Worry, Stress, and Tension By George Burns (in Memory of)
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If you ask me what is the single-most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress, and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it.
Now, let's see if I know what I'm talking about. What is the difference between worry, stress, and tension? I really don't know. They're not exactly the same. They overlap and run into each other. Worry leads to stress, and stress leads to tension. You can't have one without the other, which is a song I sang when I played the Colonial Theatre in Schenectady on the same bill with Worry, Stress & Tension. See how it all ties together?
Okay, what are some of the things people worry about these days? Well-they're afraid the world will be blown up; crime on the streets and in their homes; overpopulation; gray hair; wrinkles; traffic congestion; parking tickets; marriage; divorce; houseguests; medical bills; inflation; flying saucers; too much salt, too much sugar; too much chlorine in the water, not enough chlorine in the water... I could go on and on, and I think I will... there's depression; unemployment; sharks. ...that's enough.
It's not that there haven't always been things to worry about, but when there were just newspapers we weren't aware of them as much. Radio and television have brought them right into our homes. At four o'clock in the afternoon the news starts, and from then until 7:30 all you see are explosions, wars, fires, murders, crashes... You very seldom see a cute little Girl Scout selling cookies. I love cookies; I hate sharks. And in case you start feeling good again, along comes the 11 o'clock news with a rerun of the whole thing, so you'll be sure to get a good night's sleep.
I don't know about you, but the way I figure, I can't change the world, but I can change the channel. Which is exactly what I did last night. What do you think I got? Bela Lugosi biting three beautiful girls on their necks. It scared the hell out of me. I switched back to the news, watched a halfhour of it, and slept like a baby.
Let's get serious for a moment. Worry, stress, and tension are not only unpleasant, but they can shorten your life. When your body is under stress it manufactures certain chemicals that poison your whole system, lower your resistance, and raise your blood pressure. And we all know that high blood pressure is the major cause of strokes and heart attacks.
Well, stress, and tension come in all sizes. Some people are bothered by big things, others are bothered by little things. That's because to some people the big things are the little things, and the little things are the big things. We'll talk more about that on the chapter dealing with sex.
The closest friend I ever had was Jack Benny. He was gentle, kind, beautiful... I loved him. But Jack was one of those people whom little things bothered. Big things never fazed him. One day he was having lunch at our club, and that very day he had just signed a three-million-dollar contract. I knew about it, so I walked over to congratulate him.
But he looked very depressed. I said, "Jack, is anything wrong?" "Yeah, my coffee isn't hot," he answered.
"Is that why you're upset?" "How can they serve lukewarm coffee?" he exclaimed.
"Jack, you just signed a three-million-dollar contract. " He glared at me and said, "That doesn't make the coffee any hotter!" That was Tuesday. On Thursday the television ratings came out, and Jack's show had dropped six points. Now you all know what the ratings mean in our business. If you drop one point, you want to kill yourself.
There was Jack having lunch again. I was afraid to go over, but I figured I was his friend so I should console him. I went up to him, but instead of being dejected he had a big smile on his face. . . . I don't think I have to finish this story. You're right, his coffee was hot.
Jack was amazing. He played the Palace in New York seven or eight times a year, the Palladium in London numerous times, and all the big theaters and night clubs. On the stage Jack was calm, cool, and confident; he never thought for a second that he wouldn't do well. But the minute he and Mary gave a party he was a nervous wreck. Which means Jack was nervous once every twelve years. That's not true-Jack and Mary gave a lot of parties, and they were always great. But Jack constantly worried that his guests weren't having a good time.
I remember one party, there must have been 150 people there, and we were all having a fine time, talking and drinking and laughing-all except Jack. He called me aside and said, "George, the party's not moving.
I said, "Jack, it's moving. Everybody's having a wonderful time." "Stop buttering me up," he said. 'I'm in show business, too, you know. I've played for audiences all my life, and this party is just lying there!" I said, "Jack, you want this party to really move? Go upstairs, take off your pants, put on one of Mary's hats, and come down in your shorts playing the violin." You won't believe this. He said, "Great idea," and up he went.
I turned to the guests, and in a hushed voice called for attention. "Ladies and gentlemen, our host, Mr. Jack Benny, star of stage, screen, and television, has gone upstairs and will be coming down in his shorts wearing a lady's hat and playing his violin. Just ignore him." Down came our star doing his ad, and nobody paid any attention to him. it finally dawned on Jack that I had been putting him on. He fell on the floor laughing, everyone else laughed, the party was a smash, and Jack was happy-until the next party. That was Jack. He didn't worry about television ratings or signing million-dollar contracts-he worried that the towels wouldn't be fluffy enough when he took a shower.
I've always been lucky. Little things never bothered me. I didn't care how fluffy Jack's towels were when he took a shower. it was a long time before I knew what worry, stress, and tension meant.
I couldn't even spell them. I only went as far as the fourth grade. In fact, I was in the fourth grade so long I finally got too old to take out my teacher, Miss Hollander.
I came from a very poor family; seven sisters and four brothers, and we had nothing. And when you've got nothing, there's nothing to lose. So there's nothing to worry about. That's the way it was in our neighborhood. Everybody had nothing to lose.
When I was 7 years old I told my mother I was going into show business. Three other kids and I were going to call ourselves the Peewee Quartet.
She said, "That doesn't make sense. You're making around eighty-five cents a week selling newspapers, crackers,,, shining shoes... and you want to give up all that to go into show business?" I told my mother, "You know how I love to sing, it's something inside of me that has to come out."
She said, "When you're singing in the house around your brothers and sisters, that's one thing. But when you're singing in front of strangers and it comes out, they'll push it back in again." You might not laugh at that, but I did. My mother had a very funny delivery.
Well, I went into show business and stayed there. And my mother was right. For the next twenty years the audience kept pushing it back. In those days the most popular form of entertainment was vaudeville. There was the B. F. Keith Circuit, the Orpheum, the Moss & Brill, the Loew's, the Pantages, the Gus Sun, etc., and if you played any of these circuits, you were a success.
And that meant you had a lot to worry about. If the audience didn't laugh in the right spots, or cry in the right spots, or applaud, you could get canceled. Even great performers would worry-performers like Al Jolson; Eddie Cantor; Clayton, Jackson and Durante; Jack Benny; Milton Berle; Sophie Tucker; Smith and Dale; Eva Tanguay; Belle Baker; Block and Sully; the Marx Bros.; the Gliding O'Mearas; Madam Burkhart and her Cockatoos; Power's Elephants; Swain's Cats and Rats-they were all nervous.
They'd lie awake worrying. But not me. I never missed a night's sleep. Why would I? I wasn't playing those good theaters.
I played theaters that were so broken down, if they canceled me, they would have been doing me a favor. Let me tell you a story. When I was about 18 I was working alone, and I was booked to play the Myrtle Theater in Brooklyn. Now, the show started at 1:00 o'clock, but you rehearsed your music at ten.
Well, the manager heard my rehearsal, and I was canceled. I was the only actor in show business who was canceled before he opened. I got so used to being canceled, I asked for more money. I figured as long as I was laying off, why not lay off from a better-paying job?
I finally started playing same go ad theaters, but I still didn't worry, because by then I realized I had a big talent. And I was married to her for thirty-eight years.
In 1932 Gracie and I got our first radio show. it was a whole new thing for us, but I didn't let that worry me either. And we were always in the Top Ten. We had to be-there were only eight shows.
Then came the transition to television. I was starting to get a little nervous about that, but then I thought, what's the big deal? I had talked to an audience in vaudeville, in radio I talked to a microphone, so now I was talking to a camera. If you have to worry about talking, you're in big trouble.
My attitude is, if something is beyond your control-if you can't do anything about it-there's no point worrying about it. And if you can do something about it, then there's still nothing to worry about. I feel that way when the plane I'm on is bouncing around in turbulence. It's not my problem. The pilot gets a lot of money to fly that plane; let him worry about it. True, I never fly in those small, private planes, but that's for a different reason. If I'm going down, I want to have an audience with me.
I can honestly say I was not even uptight about my heart bypass several years ago. I don't mean to minimize that operation-I would have preferred to have had my cuticles cut-but once again, what could I do about it? it was beyond my control. it was the doctor's business; that's what he does for a living.
Me, I'm a country singer. Besides, the surgeon had trained for years in medical school, he'd done this operation many times... and he had long, strong fingers. I had such confidence in him that I didn't give it a second thought.
When I came out of the anesthetic I heard the surgeon say, "George, you did great, you're just fine. " I said, "Doctor, I wasn't the least bit concerned."
"Really?" he said. "I was a nervous wreck."
Even that didn't bother me. Then he handed me his bill and I passed out.
Source: How to Live to be 100
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