Divorce - It Really Hurts By Abigail Wood
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 My parents recently got separated, and I live with my mom. Lately she's been going out-a lot-and it really bothers me. She tells me not to worry about it, but she's been getting tons of phone calls from some guy, and they talk forever. It seems like she goes out on dates more than she stays at home.
I feel kind of lonely and abandoned, but mostly I'm upset that she's going out with another man. I mean, what about my dad? The trouble is, when I ask her about it, she doesn't really answer.
I think she's hiding something. How can I get the truth?
It must feel strange and uncomfortable to see your mother going out on dates when you're used to thinking of her as part of the unit "Mom and Dad." All of a sudden, it seems, she has a private life-a very time-consuming one that doesn't include you.
You may or may not be right about her keeping something from you, but if you 've been asking her questions that she clearly doesn't want to answer, you need to back off. Your mom does have a right to her privacy (just as you have a right to yours), and she needs time to adjust to her new situation.
On the other hand, you also have a right to expect her to continue being your mother and to expect her to be available to you for reasonable amounts of time, especially now.
Try to find a comfortable time to sit down and talk with her. Tell your mom that you're not trying to dictate what she should do with her social life but that you're feeling lonely for her, and you'd like some of her time, too.
But don't pry. Try to keep the focus on your needs, and try to work out solutions together. Ask your mom if she has any ideas on how to make the situation easier for you and how you can make her life easier, too.
For example, maybe you could spend some evenings at a friend's house or invite someone over to keep you company.
Maybe your mom could set aside some no-phone, no-date nights so just the two of you could do something fun.
This is not an easy time for either of you. But if you let your mom know that you want to work things out, it's very likely that you will.
A year ago my parents got divorced, but they still hate each other-a lot-and both of them want me to take sides. Dad says horrible things about Mom and insists that I tell her. And my mom wants me to totally hate my dad and never see him. Why can't they understand that I love and need them both?
I feel like I'm being torn apart, and I'm getting desperate. They're both so caught up in how it's affecting them, it seems like they don't even care how much it's affecting me. What should I do?
You've analyzed the situation perfectly: Your parents are so involved with their own hurt and anger that your feelings are getting lost in the shuffle.
You shouldn't assume, however, that this means they don't care about you.
Their own problems are making them so shortsighted that they just don't realize (or don't wont to realize) what a bad position they've put you in.
It will be hard, but you 've got to refuse to cooperate in their bitter struggle. You need to tell them both, "I love you very much, but I can't do what you're asking me to." If they argue with you, say, "I know you wouldn't do anything intentionally to hurt me, but asking me to hate Dad (or pass along mean remarks to Mom) is very unfair."
Even if they continue to pressure you (and they might), stand your ground. Tell them that you won't take sides and that you want to stay on good terms with both of them, no matter how they feel about each other.
In time your parents' anger toward each other will become less acute and more manageable for all of you. But in order to maintain the relationship with each of them that you want-and deserve-you should keep yourself out of the line of fire and try to be as understanding as possible. It will also help you to find a friend, relative, or teacher you can talk to when things seem impossible. This is a difficult thing for anyone to handle, and we think the fact that you're asking for help is a good sign that you'll get through it.
Nancy, my stepmother, is really awful sometimes to me and my little brother, Gordy. If I do the littlest thing wrong, she gets incredibly sarcastic, and sometimes I'm tempted to snap back at her. But I know that would only make her meaner and harder to live with.
My dad thinks Nancy is so sweet! I can't believe he's that blind, but he is. How can I defend myself-and Gordy, who's only twelve-without resorting to Nancy's measures?
(P.S. Nancy and my dad got married four years ago, so please don't say that I should just be patient.)
Your urge to respond to your stepmother's sarcasm with some unpleasantness of your own is understandable, but you're right: It wouldn't be worth it. It would only make things worse between you two, and it could also create a lot of tension between you and your dad.
There are some constructive things you can do, however, to try to ease the tension a bit. The next time Nancy corrects or criticizes you in a sarcastic way, why not say directly (but not defensively), 'I'm sorry if I've disappointed you, but it would be much easier for me if you could point things out to me more gently."
If that doesn't work, tell Nancy straight out how unhappy it makes you when she speaks to you so critically.
As for your brother, Gordy, we don't think you should fight his battles for him: It will be much better for him to learn to stand up for himself. The best way to help him is to set a good example in your dealings with your stepmom. Diplomacy and tact will be your best assets.
Perhaps as you and Gordy become more open, Nancy will relax a bit, too-and that should make everyone feel more comfortable.
Source: Seventeen Magazine
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