Making Relationship / Calling the Shots By Kathy McCoy
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There's a guy I really like at my school. Sometimes he acts like he likes me as more than a friend, and sometimes he acts like he doesn't want me around. We've never officially gone out, but we've done a lot of kissing and petting. Since he doesn't want to go out with me, a lot of people think he's using me. Should I give up on him?
I like this guy Sam who's seventeen (I'm fifteen). All he and his friends talk about is what they like to do to girls. I don't want to be a chicken or anything, but I don't feel I'm ready for sex. How do you let a guy know you don't want to?
My boyfriend and I never talk about our relationship because we're always discussing sex. I'm always saying no and having sex anyway. He even calls me names and puts me down a lot. Why do I put up with it?
What can you do about a guy who thinks he's always supposed to be in charge? My boyfriend's great, but he decides everything we do. Sometimes it really bugs me.
Making a relationship truly equal-so that both partners' happiness, wishes, and opinions count the same-is not always easy. The roles we grow up with and the role models we see are of ten far from equal. And it's natural to want to please someone you like a lot and want to like you. At the same time, the quality of the relationship depends on each partner being his or her own person and having a say in what they do together.
Some girls have a hard time expressing their needs and wishes. Some make the mistake of thinking it's not important to assert themselves. But it is. Giving up responsibility for yourself to someone else can be detrimental for you and your relationship. It can even be disastrous.
Why are some girls able to have good relationships and remain in charge of their lives? And why do other, equally capable girls let someone else call the shots?
One big difference is self-esteem. The girls who take charge of their lives and their actions are the ones who have the confidence to stand up for what they want. They know they have a right to their own feelings and opinions. As a result, they not only feel good about themselves, they also tend to have more honest-and of ten more satisfying-relationships. They are less likely to experience the resentment, conflicts, and self-doubt that can happen when one person lets another person hold all the power.
But sometimes even the most self-confident girls get confused-particularly when it comes to sex. They may do things they don't feel comfortable with because they think "It's his right to want this" or "He loves me, so it must be okay" or even "He knows what he wants and I'm not sure, so how can I argue?"
What can you do if you 've fallen into letting someone else call the shots in a relationship? How can you change the role you play-and the relationship--for the better?
KEEP YOUR INDIVIDUALITY
Being in love or part of a couple or friendship doesn't mean giving up your own interests, other friends, or time with your family. While you may spend most of your time with your boyfriend, spend time without him, too-even if it's just by yourself doing things you enjoy. This will keep you from being too dependent on any one person and give you confidence in your ability to be on your own. It will also remind you of the other things in the world that matter to you and make you happy.
If you look to a romantic relationship for all your good feelings about yourself, life will always seem a little scary and precarious. You may be afraid to disagree with him or question his behavior-even if he calls you names or pushes you around because you're afraid of losing him. The more independent you are, the less likely you are to fall into this trap.
SET BOUNDARIES
Even the closest relationships need to have boundaries. You share a lot, but he doesn't own your body, your feelings, or your life, and you don't own his. It's important for each of you to have your own values, goals, and limits. These things are defined by all the important influences in your life-your parents, your beliefs, your attitudes and experiences-not just each other.
It's important for you to be clear about those limits, too. If you're not ready to have sex, admit it. And anytime you feel uncomfortable, trust that feeling. Calling the shots also requires that you know when you 're too confused or unsure to know what you want, so you need to allow yourself time to figure it out. When you know how you feel, you 're much less likely to be misunderstood and end up feeling hurt or betrayed.
DON'T LET THINGS HAPPEN TO YOU
You make decisions even when you don't make active choices, if you simply let him decide things for you. Make sure that every decision that's made regarding your relationship is just as much your decision as his, so that you don't end up taking a backseat in your own life.
TAKE THE INITIATIVE
Calling the shots doesn't mean being bossy or insensitive: It means not being afraid to speak first, to make suggestions. And not just about big things, either. If you get in the habit of expressing an opinion about things like where to go to eat before a movie or what to see or who to spend time with, you'll be ready to take responsibility for making decisions when the big issues come up.
You can start by scrapping the old responses like "I don't care" or "Whatever you want" or "It doesn't matter" whenever there's a choice to be made. Taking the initiative shows that you're just as capable of coming up with ideas and making decisions as he is and that your relationship really is equal.
COMMUNICATE
If you don't say what's really important to you, like not having sex, your feelings won't be considered-no matter how much the other person cares about you. So learn how to talk to each other. If he doesn't listen to you or take you seriously, you've got to get him to change his attitude-or you've got to change boyfriends. You can't have a healthy relationship if he believes his feelings and desires count more than yours.
STAY SOBER
You can't call the shots when you're out of control, like when you 're drinking or doing drugs. To make the choices that are best for you and to stay in charge, you need to have a clear head.
REMEMBER THAT WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU IS GOOD FOR THE RELATIONSHIP
If you do something because someone else decides you should-whether it's having sex or doing drugs or driving with someone who's drunk-you'll end up hurting yourself. And if that happens, ultimately the relationship will suffer, too.
Being in love doesn't mean giving up your sense of who you are and what you want. It takes two people who respect each other's individuality, ideas, opinions, thoughts, and feelings to make a relationship good and strong. The best relationships are those in which both people call the shots-and that means you, too. You'll feel better about your relationship if you do, and you'll feel better about yourself.
Source: Seventeen Magazine
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