8 toxic phrases to put a strain on a relationship. A Harvard-educated psychologist who works with couples says relationships go downhill quickly when one or both partners speak disparagingly to each other.
Underestimating a person is actually dangerous. Because not only does it attack a person’s character, it also assumes superiority over them. When we communicate this way, we may be disrespectful to others, mocking them, or using similar condescending body language.
Toxic phrases to destroy relationship
1- “You don’t deserve me”
Language that conveys contempt makes your partner feel that you believe he or she is less than you, which can damage his or her self-esteem. For example: “You’re lucky I even put up with you.”
What to say instead?
“I’m having a hard time seeing us together right now” or “I see you as less valuable than myself and I need to work on that and deal with my thoughts.” Express how you feel calmly and honestly.
2- “Stop asking if I’m okay. Everything is fine.” (When you’re not on your way)
Passive-aggressive language prevents partners from talking directly and openly about their problems. This makes resolving the conflict difficult and can make both parties feel insecure.
What to say instead?
“I’m really sorry, but I’m not ready to talk about it yet.” Instead of ignoring your problems, take some time to confront and reflect on them.
3- “You are pathetic”
Attributing attributes simplifies the person by reducing them to a single negative attribute. Some people may have both characteristics that you dislike and characteristics that you like, do not overlook this.
What to say instead?
“I don’t like the way you handled this situation.” Express what you don’t like and why it bothers you.
4- “I hate you”
Language that reflects how you feel in a heated, emotional moment but does not accurately represent how you feel in the big picture is harmful to you and the other person. It overgeneralizes momentary emotions and causes you to feel insecure even in good moments.
What to say instead?
“It’s hard for me to be around you right now.” Take a moment to calm down before saying something that isn’t true, even if it seems true at the time.
5- “You are a bad parent”
Partners know each other’s insecurities. Language that exploits these vulnerabilities is not only hurtful, it undermines the other’s trust by taking someone’s weakness and using it to make yourself seem like a better person. For example, if you are having trouble disciplining your child, your spouse might say: “You are so spoiled because your mother spoiled you too.”
What to say instead?
“I think this situation is triggering issues from your past. How can we work through these together?” Respectfully acknowledge their areas of vulnerability and communicate in a way that doesn’t feel like an attack on their character.
6- “You went crazy
Language that manipulates or distorts reality to make your partner doubt themselves is called “gaslighting” and undermines their perception of reality. For example, during an argument, say, “You’re crazy. This problem is all in your head.” means.
What to say instead?
“I think your response to this situation is making it worse.” Express what you don’t like about your partner’s behavior in a constructive way, rather than trying to manipulate them into behaving the way you want.
7- “You need a lot of help”
When you use language that suggests your partner is bothering you, suffocating you, or generally making you uncomfortable, it shows that their needs are not important.
What to say instead?
“I know you want me to take care, but I’m overwhelmed and need some time.”
8- “I don’t care”
Using language that threatens the end of your relationship, such as “I’m leaving,” “I’m over it,” or “I want to break up,” creates instability and distrust.
What to say instead?
“I’m really upset right now and I need to give it time” or “We need to have a serious conversation about our relationship.” Generally, one partner will only want to threaten to leave when you are serious and intend to continue.
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