Tag: dating problems
There are two main channels of romantic interest for adults. First, there are the people you meet at a bar, at a party, or through an online dating site. In these scenarios, the mutual attraction and interest is often instant: you immediately ask each other out, or hook up, or date, or whatever.
Then there are the times when you meet people and mutual attraction is not assured. Your new co-worker, a friend’s roommate, your roommate’s sister, the guy who works at the coffee shop next door. Do they like you? You have no idea. But what you’re left with is what in high school parlance is referred to as a crush. Because of whatever complications, you don’t feel like you can just ask this person out. But you’ve got it for them, and you’ve got it bad.
As adults, we’re beyond doodling in notepads and feverishly writing diary entries — but we can still get a little weird about our crushes.
I asked a group of female friends to brainstorm how, exactly, they behave towards someone on whom they have a secret crush. Nobody does all of these things at once, but chances are, if you’ve ever had a crush, a couple of these bullet points will sound pretty familiar. (You could call some of these behaviors “creepy.” I prefer the adjectives “diligent” and “enthusiastic.”)
“Life would be so much easier if you could just be like, ‘YO. I’m in love with you,’ with no consequence,” one contributor said via GChat. Preach.
So, here you go. A no-holds-barred list of the things we do when we’re secretly in love with you.
“I laugh really hard when you’re within ear shot, and make sure I look super engaged with who ever I’m talking to.”
“I send you a link to an article about something we talked about once, in passing.”
“I get really dressed up when I know I’m going to see you and then act surprised/dismissive when you say I look nice. (‘Really? Huh. I just came from work…’)”
“I listen to songs I think you’d like on Spotify and hope you see them on my Facebook feed.”
“I all of the sudden get buddy-buddy with your friends.”
“I tweet about things that aren’t directly about you, but that I know will interest you.”
“I never leave the bar before you do — I don’t care how early I have to work the next morning.”
“I live in fear that you will somehow learn how often I visit your Facebook page.”
“I text you something random or ‘funny’ my coworker did, just to start the conversation.”
“I go out of my way to not seem jealous of other women, going so far as to force you to say tell another girl how pretty she is.”
“I change my GChat status to something I want you to see.”
“I find out everything I can about you and then pretend to be surprised when you tell me something about yourself in person.”
“I stand in the same circle as you but avoid eye contact and only talk to the person standing next to you.”
“If we’re sitting at a table, booth, or bench, I will sit closer to you than to the person on my other side. I will make sure our arms accidentally graze each other.”
“I take advantage of every possible opportunity to “@” you on twitter.”
“I go out of my way to walk by you on the way to the bar.”
“I spend parties standing in your line of sight.”
“I dress inappropriately for events because you complimented that outfit another time. (‘Aren’t you cold?’ ‘… no.’)”
“I google anyone I found out you dated/hooked-up with/were interested in, just to see how I measure up.”
“I make up a ‘work question’ that we need to have coffee / lunch / drinks to discuss, because I’d really like your professional opinion on the matter. (Ideally, I’d also like to make out.)”
“I have Skype, gchat, and Facebook chat always up just in case you sign into one of the three messaging platforms.”
“I invite you to a party I’m throwing. And then quickly invite 100 other people so you won’t suspect I singled you out.”
”I will remember a random fact or opinion you expressed a year ago, even when you don’t.”
“I Google myself so I know what comes up in case you randomly decide to google me.”
“I bring up a movie/concert/activity that I think you would like, in the hopes that you will express interest and that I can then casually say, ‘Oh, do you want to come with?‘”
“I reply all to a group email that you’re in just so my name comes up in your inbox to refresh your memory that I exist. I will labor over this reply for at least an hour before hitting ‘send’.”
Has your lover broken your heart? Here are a number of ways to help cure it and bounce back. You don’t have to silently suffer.
- Just like learning to ride a bicycle, if you fall off, get back on and try again. Of course, your goal should not be to fall in love with the first person that is interested in you, but get back into the dating scene as soon as you can. You won’t be home crying yourself to sleep, and you will be having a good time instead.
Join a support group with others who have had a similar break-up experience and see if you find them compatible to talk to. You might gain a lot of insight through them.
Curl up and read a good book. Not necessarily a romance novel, but a book that will teach you something. Make it non-fiction.
Accept the good memories you’ve had with your mate and don’t dwell on the bad times or the recent separation. Negative thoughts of the past will be unpleasant and only make you unhappy. Work on letting go of the past so that you can start looking forward to the future.
Don’t keep your love letters or any trinkets or reminders that your ex gave you. Store them away instead of throwing them away, in case there may be reconciliation in the future. But try not to hold onto that hope.
Playing beautiful music will soothe your soul and make you feel better, but don’t play the music you and your loved one enjoyed together, or that were your songs. Try a different type of music that you normally don’t like.
Stay in touch with a trusted friend and confide in that person. If he or she is a true friend, they will listen to you and not make judgments, or talk about you behind your back.
Write down your angst in a private journal and write in it every day. See how much better you feel with each passing day. Time will heal your broken heart if you let it.
Forgiving that person and letting go of your anger will help you to cure your own broken heart. But don’t expect too much of yourself. Accept that forgiveness will take time.
Don’t think just because you have been hurt once, you will be hurt again and especially, don’t make the next person suffer because you are suffering now. That doesn’t help anything and probably will only make you feel worse in the long run.
If you have a spiritual belief, prayer for help with your broken heart will help in the healing process. It is common to feel betrayed in your time of need. But this is not the case and your faith will make you feel stronger and more able to handle what you are going through.
Following the above tips, will hopefully help you cure your broken heart. Know that in time, you won’t feel so devastated and you will be able to move on.
Do you feel unfilled in your relationship? Are you continuously attracting boring dates? Want to spark up your love life? Here’s my best advice for you. Drum roll please… You need to get out of your comfort zone!
Let me first tell you the reason why you feel bored and un-stimulated in your love life [this can apply to any area of your life as well] it’s because you are staying in your comfort zone. Trying new things will bring life and passion back into your relationships.
Learning a new activity with your partner is known to bring back more passion in a couple. What kind of adventure or new activity could you go on, that would get you to bond and learn new things together? Maybe it’s skiing lessons? How about, taking a trip to a place you haven’t been before? Or skydiving?
Cooking classes on exotic dishes can really open you up to some new excitement. Let’s not forget about tantric sex. These could all be ways to get out of your comfort zone. Think about what would you both enjoy doing that would stretch you? Here’s one I highly recommend: show vulnerability and trust that your partner will still love you. That’s one of the most exciting things you can do with a partner.
If you are not in a committed relationship but keep on attracting dates that are boring it’s probably because you are going for what feels safe. When we are not confident, we often go for someone we feel deep down is not a match at some level because “if it does not work out we won’t be devastated”.
Have you always wanted to go out with a certain person you know that you find extremely attractive, but you don’t let yourself show your interest? How about going for someone who sees through you and calls you on who you are and is totally into you? How about someone who is emotionally available, who would actually be a really nice person for you and wants to be in a committed relationship?
So be honest with yourself now and see if there is not some place for some more courageous actions you could take that would spice up your love life!
Getting her number is half the battle. Once you have it, use it wisely or you’ll never get past “hello.” Women don’t just judge guys based on looks; they’re also drawn to dudes who have a way with words. Treat each phone conversation as if it’s as important as a date, and you’ll impress a girl with your maturity and manners.
Call at an appropriate time, and have a reason for calling. Don’t call early in the morning, too late at night, or when you know she’s tied up at work or school. It’s OK if you’re just calling to chat, but let her know at the beginning of the conversation. Better yet, ask her to get together and turn your phone call into a date.
Speak clearly. Maintain a moderate volume, so she can hear what you’re saying without straining, or without having to pull the phone away from her ear. Use a pleasant tone so she can hear the smile in your voice. When you’re talking to girls on the phone, you need to convey your charm through your voice alone; she can’t see that you’re grinning from ear to ear, but a soft chuckle will give her a clue.
Eliminate distractions when you’re calling a girl. Turn off or lower the volume on the TV or stereo. Step outside if you’re in a noisy, crowded place. If you’re driving in your car, roll up the windows. If there’s too much background noise on your end, you won’t be able to hear her clearly and you’ll be shouting in her ear to compete.
Most anything you do while you’re on the phone is audible to the person on the other end of the line; don’t multitask, chew or flush the toilet. If you need to clear your throat, cough or sneeze, turn away from the phone and excuse yourself. Carrying on a conversation with someone else who’s in the room with you while you’re on the phone with her is a big no-no; it’s immature, rude and disrespectful.
Show interest. Listen when she’s speaking, and don’t interrupt. When she’s finished telling you something, draw her out even more by asking questions. Direct the conversation to topics you both know something about; don’t try to impress her with a monologue about football when you know she isn’t a fan.
End the call gracefully. If the conversation is going strong, by all means, keep talking. As soon as you notice the conversation winding down, or you feel an uncomfortable silence, wrap it up. Maintain an upbeat tone and let her know you’ve really enjoyed talking with her. Instead of making her wonder if you’re bored with the conversation, excuse yourself with a solid excuse — meeting up with a friend, taking the dog for a run — and solidify plans for your next call or an upcoming date.
1. “How do you spice it up?” As if it weren’t already spicy. When you’re in a really, really good relationship, you don’t have to search for spices — they’re just there in infinite supply.
2. “You’re young! You need to get out there and experience what the world has to offer you.” And by that do you mean “have one-night stands with guys who don’t know what they’re doing and first dates that are awkward as hell”? I don’t judge if that’s what you enjoy. But if I found My Person, there’s no point in going on dates that I don’t really want to be on.
3. “How’s the ball and chain doing?” Or “How’s the boyyyyyyfriend?” you might say while rolling your eyes as if to suggest it’s such a chore to be in a happy, steady relationship. He’s great and we love the shit out of each other, actually! Thanks for asking.
4. “People in long-term relationships are just people who are way too comfortable with each other.” Allow me to clarify: A comfortable relationship is not an unhappy relationship. I’m comfortable with my significant other in the sense that I will walk around with no makeup and send him ugly selfies. Comfort does not make us dislike each other.
5. “It’s so weird that you have no one else to compare him or your relationship to. How can you even tell if he’s The One?” This is hard to understand for someone who hasn’t found their person yet, but if you have found your person, you know. To put it in simple terms — your favorite personal belonging probably isn’t your favorite because some external force made you realize that it is. Your favorite green bracelet is your favorite green bracelet because you love it and it means something to you. It’s that simple. So, yeah, I just know.
6. “I don’t believe in monogamy.” And I do. Which is why I am me, and you are you. Oh, look, a poem!
7. “Come on, just be my wingwoman!” Uh, no, that’s boring for me. I don’t bring you out on my dates because you’d rather poke your eyes out than be a third wheel, which is totally fine. But that’s what being your wingwoman feels like to me.
8. “Doesn’t it get boring?” If it were boring I wouldn’t be doing it. I’m in a committed relationship with a person, I am not in a committed relationship with boredom. Thanks though.
9. “You can’t be together long-term if you don’t hook up with other people first.” This is a real thing that someone told me once, and it blew my mind. Just because the first guy I got with ended up being the only guy I wanted to get with doesn’t mean that it’s not real. (See no. 5 above, ahem.)
10. Not ever inviting me to girls’ things where it’s mostly single girls because they assume you don’t want to come. Just because I am in a relationship doesn’t mean I am against hanging out with single people. When I’m going out with my best girlfriends, the last thing I am thinking about is anyone’s relationship status. So if you’re going out for a fun night of drinks and food, whether or not you’re looking for hookups, count me in!
11. “How do you know? You’ve only been with one guy.” <—The ~sAsSy~ remark you get whenever you try to give relationship advice. Yes, I have only been with one guy. Because he’s an awesome hell of a guy who treats me exactly as I should be treated. Because I know how good it feels to be in a happy relationship, I know that the way that douchebag is treating you is wrong. And you deserve to be happy!
12. “You must think about other guys all the time.” I mean yeah, I have eyes. I think that Eric Decker is hot as hell because he is. I acknowledge that a man is attractive as he walks past me on the street because I am a living human. Just because I am monogamous doesn’t mean I want to rip off my clothes at the sight of a hot man who isn’t my man.
13. “Do you really think he’s ever only been with you?” I really do because we’re in a trusting relationship. That’s what monogamous relationships are. And that’s what I like having in my life.
Jonathan asks: “I’ve been trying to meet women online for the past few months with zero luck, and my friends have said similar things. Contact a girl, and you’re lucky if you get a response, much less a nice one. I don’t get it. I thought online dating was supposed to save me time. Why is this so hard?”
I wish this were an easy answer Jonathan, because your question rings true for many of the men I’ve worked with in the past few years, as well as friends and even dates who have asked me a similar question. In my opinion, the answer is a complex one, and I’m unsure if explaining it in great detail it’ll make a difference with what you’re really after: meeting more women, or perhaps just meeting The Woman of Your Dreams. With that in mind, I’ll only go into the why’s briefly, and try to spend more time on the how’s (what you can do to increase your responses).
Things To Consider When Dating Online
Few people realize that most dating sites keep all users listed indefinitely, and some refuse to purge their database of old members, even if said former members have found love and deactivated their account.
While you can read the Dating Site Fine Print of any individual company you sign up with to find out, I’d just assume the site you’re with does this. As well, most of the up-and-coming and/or popular dating sites will either pay folks to chat with members, fluff the numbers a bit with fake profiles, or both. I’ve come across numbers as high as 30% where the people listed, for whatever reason, weren’t actually available to meet – so this is a factor to take into account.
Next up, women get a lot of messages, depending on their age and demographic. When I sign up at a dating site to review it, I often get hundreds of messages in the first few days. I should note I’m a bit older than the average, highly-desirable range for ladies of 29-35, so younger women may get even more. My advice with this point? Avoid the newest signups because they’re likely inundated with messages anyway, and if you can, see if anyone over 35 appeals to you in your searches – heterosexual women between 35-45 get fewer messages than any other age range according to OkCupid.
When there’s a lot of competition for a woman’s attention, they have to filter whom they want to respond to right off the bat. What many women do (including myself) is look at a person’s profile before they read the message. As an example, if I’m using OkCupid, I first look at the pictures (do I find this person physically attractive at all?), then their basic demographic information (kids? age? location? religion?) and then any of the questions we’ve both answered that we strongly disagree on. (For more on this topic, take a peek at Hacking OkCupid To Your Advantage). If anything on there is a strong no for me, I might still read their email (if it’s more than a, “Hey! You’re cute,”) although I’m more likely to either delete (if I have a lot of messages waiting), or politely say we’re after different things and wish them the very best in their search.
What Does This All Mean For You?
Well, you need a fantastic profile that really showcases your strengths, attractiveness and wants in a partnership or relationship (be it casual or long term – the process is the same). Your pictures are a whole conversation in and of itself, so all I say here is: make sure they’re very recent (last 3-6 months), they showcase your face as well as you doing something that you love, and that they show you off at your happiest. (For more help, try 4 Reasons Why Your Online Dating Profile Isn’t Working, and Why You’re Not Getting Responses). The words you use – depending on the site you’re on – will also help tremendously with the results you get. See How To Write a Dating Profile for comprehensive help, or ask me for Free Dating Profile Help.
Some other suggestions? Know what you want your final outcome from online dating to feel like before you start anything, make sure you’re 100% accurate and honest with everything you share and do, and make a point when you do email a woman of commenting (respectfully) on whatever drew you to message her in a bit of detail.
Feigning interest in favorite activities just to land a date will likely lead to disappointment.
Guys want genuine women in their lives. They want to know who you are and what you’re about right from the start. Women don’t want their guy to change mid-relationship, and guys want the same thing from a partner. Knowing this, I’ve compiled a list of the top nine things that my male listeners and readers feel should never, ever be fake about you:
1. Share interests of your man
Women often feign interest in activities they would never normally do to get to the first date with a man and keep things moving along once they see each other. Do not go crazy for his favorite football team, develop a love of rafting or suddenly feel like Ethiopian food if these things are simply not true of your character. It will eventually see through or be greatly disappointed when he did not get the outdoorsy woman he has always dreamed of a time you tired. A man prefers to admit from the start that you try something new just because of him to act like you absolutely love something you totally hate your life.
2. Friendships with other men
Do not act like your friends are purely platonic guy when you actually dated (or hung) in the past with some of them. The guys understand that you can be friends after the romance ends, but they really want to know whether or not the bill that you had lunch with every day is just a buddy at work or an old flame . Your friend does not know another guy you intimate details without their knowledge. Be honest about what area of your life is key in how he chooses to interact with them and whether or not he will accept your friendship with these men.
3. What do you want out of the relationship
Be clear about what you love. Do not tell her you want something relaxing when you know you have already planned the wedding in your head. Do not say you want to move when you are juggling 10 other guys on the side. He wants to know what is the purpose of your game of seduction so he can decide whether to continue to play along. In addition, the relaxation in a relationship does not guarantee that you will get something deeper down the road with him if you change your mind.
4. Your opinion about his circle of friends
Do not act like you like her friends and family when you do not really. The men were caught in this trap many times in the belief that their wife was comfortable around – and even enjoyed spending time with – their inner circle, only to discover months later that she was really unhappy. He much preferred that you have been honest about why people love being around you and those you do not like. Many relationships are lost when an annoying friend or family member is still there. Let him know your true feelings about his circle so he can make adjustments to make you more comfortable.
5. Your overall look
Men love a beautiful woman, if she is full of natural or glamorous. However, most believe that you should be just as amazing to 6 hours you have been to dinner the night before. The men the magic of makeup, heels and even Spanx – but they want the “natural” you are just as captivating. In addition, they want you to be as confident and sexy without all the accessories you are with them.
6. What are the goals you want to achieve in the future
Do not approach him as a girl’s career high, and then once you move in together or get married, decide to stop working to stay home all the time. Men like to think they know what type of partner, you will be on the road, and if you are secretly hidden a passion for work abroad, becoming a soccer mom, or dig a few degrees warmer, it needs to know this so that it can take a more informed decision about your overall relationship compatibility. The truth is, it has a picture of family life “ideal” in his mind – as you do.
7. Your desires in the bedroom
Some women get all the “big” in the room at the beginning of the relationship to calm after a man is hooked. Men think that the way a sexual relationship begins where it should stay, and if you play around and pretend to be something you’re really not in order to obtain a ring, it will be devastated. Be your true self in the room and you have a better chance to build a lasting relationship.
8. What you find attractive about him
Why are you interested? Why are you here? If you are interested in him only because he is a wonderful lover, tell him that. If you are only interested in him because he is powerful and effective, be honest about it, too. Most men (and women) know their strengths and weaknesses. He’ll know what really see in him and will be greatly surprised if your actions and your words in line with his thoughts. Bottom line, he wants to know what attracted you in the first place so it can maintain and keep your interest over time.
9. Your romantic history
Be clear about your past relationships and romance. He wants to know who should be aware of who you most evil, that one is “one that got away” and you have to deal with on a regular basis because of things like children , a job or a family member. Men do not want to be surprised by your former lovers, and they also want to try to avoid doing things that let you down or hurt you in the past with men.
It is better to be honest up front than to embarrass even further in the future.
If you have already given a guy your phone number or agree to go on a date just because you did not want to hurt his feelings, you are a woman needs a game plan and an audit of the reality. Of course, you could have saved a moment of embarrassment by pretending to be interested at first, but now that you have set up for the worst rejection when you blow him later. A better approach? Use one of these polished manners to say “Thanks, but no thank you” – are collected from relations experts, gurus and meeting people who are as knowledgeable as you.
1. Be honest about your feelings
Tell a guy directly that you are just not that into him can make even the most wiggle an outspoken woman. Would it help if we assure you it is a little more harsh reality? And it will spare both you and your fiance anxiety future. Use “I” so he does not think he did anything wrong, says Susan Roane, communications expert and author of What am I saying then? Talk to your way of business and social success. “For example,” I really enjoyed talking with you, but I do not feel a connection “or” I think you’re obviously very good, but I’m looking for something else now and I want to be honest up front about our chances. “This may be a moment of discomfort, but he will walk away and recover. In fact, it will probably thank you for your candor.” Honesty is like a breath of fresh air, “says the Coach David Wygant dating. “The guys thank you.”
2. Reverse the typical gender roles
Let’s say someone comes to ask your number. When you request information at his place rather than giving your own, you put the ball in your court – which means you call the shots. Does not he know that this is a ruse? Most guys say it: “Do whatever he tells me is that she loves being in control,” said Jeff Wesson of Los Angeles. “It’s good for me. Then I’m not responsible when things are going. If she calls, great. If it does not, well. I will not lose sleep.”
3. Reset his sights
If you really enjoyed talking with him (but not enough that you can imagine to do a duet together), do not return empty-handed. Run through a mental checklist of your friends and colleagues singles. If one of them seems to fit the bill better than you, tell him you think he would get along with one friend of yours, take his number or e-mail and offer implemented, recommends Jean E. Carroll, Elle magazine advice guru and author of Mr. Right, Right Now. “If you flatter, you can not hurt his feelings,” she said. “And it can not be complimented if you are suggesting setting up with someone else.”
4. Apologize for the unavailability
Rather than a straightforward rejection, advocates Wygant said, “I’m sorry, I’m not really dating right now” instead. “What it really means, of course, is” I do not meeting, “but at least he can concentrate on being disappointed that he has just met you at the wrong time in your life.”
5. Play the Numbers Game
When you and your admirer have mutual friends, you can repel his advances by making it clear that you do not want to spend time with him in this group context – not as a couple. New York, only Jaime Costa explains how a woman uses the tactic on him: “A really cute girl joined our temporary staff, and on his last day, I said I would take him.
She replied, “Of course, it would be wonderful if we are all gone to – the whole team -. To celebrate “I immediately had the image that she was not interested in something more, but it was always fun to go out like that.” So if someone you like (but not that way) from your circle of friends, ask you out, you can simply respond by saying, “That sounds fun – I will ask others if they can join us!
If your man uses friends and family as a constant crutch, it can signal a red flag in the relationship.
Relationship success is based on two people standing in coupledom free from outside influence. My listeners and readers are often challenged to meet new people who have a “pack mentality” when it comes to relationships. If the new person does not fit into the “package” (parents, friends, colleagues, etc.) or comply with its rules, the outsider often quickly dumped – which means there are potentially great relationships do not even get a chance to grow. Below are 10 ways to tell whether he is his own guy:
1. He is fine socializing on your own
A man who is able to be out of town without anyone else is his own guy. If you think that all movies, dinner, escape weekend, company party or sporting event is about how many friends he can throw into the mix, be warned – he certainly needs the relationship buffers, so he need not to focus too much attention on you.
2. He shows a healthy family separation
Definitely go for a guy who has got a fantastic relationship with his family, but make sure he sees them realistic. One of the keys to being a fully formed adult is being able to balance the love for your family of origin with your own views on how you plan to make things better for your own family. Is he open about some of his family’s fault? Is he able to distinguish between the ways in which his family does things and the way he chooses to do them? See his conversations and interactions with his family for clues.
3. He is willing to try unfamiliar social situations
This one is great! Is he open to trying things with you that may not necessarily be “his” thing? We all step into the relationships with our basic profile of what we think is funny or interesting set in our minds. Test athlete a bit by suggesting a museum visit or tasting date; offer finance guy a chance to go to a big indie concert; invite the artist to accompany you to a larger company event. If he is willing to give something a try for you, so clearly he is a guy who goes against the tide and are up to taking chances, regardless of what others might think.
4. He needs no advice to help him make life decisions
Is he able to make major life decisions without a selection value help? There will be a million times in a relationship where you are going to need to hear clearly from him what he thinks. You must be sure that what he gives you his true thoughts and opinions and not what his best buddy thinks.
5. He is an information / opinion junkie
Are you ever surprised at what he thinks about a hot news topic, or a big new TV show? Has he ever sort of sway from the expected response when discussing current events together? If yes, he is a keeper. This is a clear sign that he is willing to research and form their own views on his world – he is his own guy.
6. He shows off his softer side when you are together
Do you guys have your own magic against the world? Is he willing to get sappy or silly with you in an attempt to show his interest or love for you? Then this is a guy not afraid to let his softer yourself shine and be vulnerable around you, no matter what others may think. His goal is to impress and mesmerize you instead of worrying about violating any “man code.”
7. He knows that work is work … and when to stop looking clock
We all want a partner who wants to move forward and succeed, but he is able to still be your guy, while climbing the career ladder? Is he able to put work aside to talk to you during the day or an evening out with you after a hard day at the office? Does he value his relationships with people as much as his connection to his BlackBerry? What you should be looking for well rounded guy – he values doing well in his career, but also know that there are far more alive than being in the office late every night.
8. He knows that, in relationships, compromise is key
A person who is able to see all sides of any argument and make any compromise is a relationship gift! Does he give you time to state your case? Does he occasionally comes over to your side of thinking? Is he able to respectfully hold its own ground when you disagree? These are indicators of a man who is afraid to be who he is, but it is clearly realize that the world does not need to feel the same way as he does.
9. He lives in a diverse world
We live in a very diverse society today, where the views, beliefs and backgrounds, the entire map. Check your husband’s friends and his interests. Does he seem to challenge themselves by stepping out into the world, or is he kind of stays in the safe zone with the same old, same old he is known forever? If your husband have different friends and interests, so he’s probably arrogant enough to not just repeat what the popular perception about the way things are, but rather, he is busy creating its own, more informed opinion based on his personal real world experiences.
10. He’s your guy, not just a male stereotype
Much the same way that we as women get a mental picture of what the perfect partner, girlfriend or wife should be – men also carry an internal image that defines what their role in a relationship should be, too. Is he willing to be the guy you need, or is he seems to be following the typical “girlfriend” script? For example: You tell him you hate flowers, but he continues to buy them for you. Or, in conversations about the future, tell you whom you plan to balance a great job of raising children, and he seems to steer the conversation back to you to stay home. These are examples of a man who is more interested in following traditional gender roles than do things to work with you specifically. Look for a guy who really listens to you and is willing to bend to ensure that you both get the best out of your relationship.
In our age of social media, it can be easier than ever to stay in touch with your ex, long after you break up. Heck, I still regularly converse with guys I dated back in high school over Facebook. But what about a real life friendship with an ex from not so long ago? After all, you still have a lot in common — and still travel in the same circles, meaning you’re going to run into him regardless. Is it okay to stay friends? Or are you just setting yourself up for future disaster?
“Running in the same circles and having things in common does not always equate with friendship,” they say. “Remain amicable whenever possible but re-define the relationship so there is no confusion about how you will interact. We recommend staying away from intimate encounters and sharing personal information to avoid any confusion or bad feelings.”
And that means setting boundaries from the beginning so you’ll be sure to retain a healthy friendship and resist the temptation to backslide into that unhealthy relationship.
“Be friendly but not transparent to avoid any sense of false intimacy,” they suggest. “Maintain a distant relationship and stay away from late night phone calls, excessive communication, or cute texting. Avoid anything you used to do when you were a couple.”
Of course once you start dating someone new, expect a wrench to be thrown in the so-called friendship. Especially if your new significant other starts feeling threatened–and you start feeling divided loyalties.
“Your new loyalty is to your current relationship so it’s important to respect your new partner’s wishes,” insist Pescosolido and Brosh. “If they are feeling insecure than maybe it’s time to check in on the appropriateness of your relationship with your ex. If you’re doing it right, a new significant other shouldn’t feel threatened (unless they are extremely insecure). Your ex should understand.”
But what if it’s you who’s feeling threatened, by your ex’s new girl? And you find you can’t stop feeling those pangs of jealousy every time he chooses her over you?
“That’s a trigger and a big red flag that you need to get some professional help to move on,” say the Divorce Detox founders. “You might also want to consider the possibility that you are keeping your ex in your life because you still have hope of a reconciliation. A new partner is a sign that he has moved on….and you should, too. Keep this information to yourself and get professional help. This is your problem, not his.”