Messaging style. Whether you prefer one-word replies or sending very long and complex messages, the way you text can be the key to understanding your next relationship.
Are you a “quality messenger”? What about “light touch”? Maybe you’re more of a “service messages” person? If you’re familiar with love languages or have spent time on TikTok recently, the terms mentioned above are likely already established in your daily vocabulary. If not, let me explain. Because when you identify with a label, it has the potential to transform your love life.
Simply put, your love language is the way you express and receive love. As marriage counselor Gary Chapman first stated in 1992, there are five of these: words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, acts of service, and receiving gifts. Search “love languages” on TikTok and you’ll find endless explanations of each language, as well as monologues from smart-ass 20-somethings explaining at length which ones they identify with and why it matters.
But now, a new form of the 5 languages of love is emerging. I think this more accurately reflects the quirks and complexities of the modern dating landscape. New research from dating app Badoo, inspired by Chapman, has identified 5 texting love languages that help differentiate how a person prefers to communicate with the person they love.
For example, a person who “messages quality” wants detailed and comprehensive messages, while a person who sends “confirmation messages” wants to text his/her lover every day and all day. A person who sends “service messages” uses texting only to make plans, while “light touch” people prefer to communicate in real life rather than over the phone. There are also people who “get GIFs” and they generally communicate with GIFs or emojis rather than actual sentences.
To people (and couples) unfamiliar with the subject, all this may seem boring and irrelevant. But you are wrong. Because Badoo’s research found that more than a third (36 percent) of people think too much about the content of their text messages, while another third (31 percent) worry that a delayed response means the sender doesn’t like them. On the other hand, one in four (29 percent) of the people surveyed are worried that they text too much or respond too quickly, while another in four (26 percent) feel anxious even just waiting for a message.
This is all incredibly relatable stuff, especially for someone like me who describes herself as a combination of “affirmation messages” and “quality messaging.” In other words, I need a lot of communication with someone I’m dating. I’m wired like that: When I’m attracted to someone, I enjoy nothing more than analyzing and digesting the little details of the day with them. I want to constantly receive and send streams of consciousness, going over disorganized thoughts, delicious and disappointing meals, ups and downs at work, and everything in between.
But of course not everyone is like this. When I date people who fall into other love language categories, such as “light touch,” it gives me serious anxiety. Why don’t they text me back? Why didn’t they read and reply to my last message? What does all this mean?
The truth is that these may not mean anything because people text differently. They have different love languages in texting. The sooner you understand, identify and accept this, the sooner and better you will find your way through the maze-like paths of the modern dating world.
As soon as you start messaging someone, you should look for clues about how they communicate. If their language matches yours, please continue. If you don’t fit in, it’s better to give up while you’re at it and save yourself months of pain and torture trying to be someone you’re not.
One message every few days? Or a few short, purposeful conversations to plan while saving the real talk for real life? No thanks. The problem is not you or me, it’s just the incompatibility of the love language we use when texting.
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