Marriage and family therapists say couples must have a common dream to maintain the satisfaction of the relationship. This can sometimes include raising children together, producing projects together, trying to get rich, or volunteering at a social welfare organization.
People fall in love, their relationship starts, but they may need help in solving problems. Couples guided by the right experts in challenging processes ensure happy relationships. There may be problems in any relationship, but with the support of experts, it is always possible to overcome these problems.
How does trust occur in bilateral relations?
Trust is the most important building block for a relationship to start and continue. In many researches on relationships in recent years, we see that the question en What is the most important personality trait you are looking for in your spouse or lover? No one is looking for a more beautiful, richer or more attractive wife; he wants a wife whose word can be trusted and can lean on his back. According to the results of the research conducted by John Gottman, the most famous marriage researcher in America and in the world, it is necessary to build trust:
1. To be aware of what our spouse experiences and feels
2. Make our partner feel like we are there instead of turning around
3. To accept that our spouse may have a different perspective from us and to tolerate this difference
4.To try to understand where our wife looks at the situation
5. Avoiding a defensive approach
6. Approaching the situation by trying to empathize.
It is, of course, difficult to make Gottman’s suggestions when issues of trust arise in relationships. Couples do not think that trust is a situation that can develop easily and spontaneously, and they start to look for it when trust disappears. Trust is quite expensive; After losing millions you can’t buy though. The important thing is to try to implement the suggestions that I just said when you were at the beginning of the relationship and on the cloudless days of the relationship. You may need professional support in the recovery process after losing.
Hormones play an important role as well as our communication skills. During sexual intercourse orgasm women oxytocin, men secrete the hormone vasopressin. According to Gottman and colleagues, these two hormones, also known as binding hormones, contribute to the riveting of physical and emotional bonding in both men and women through orgasm.
For those who want to have more comprehensive information about safety I recommend Gottman and Silver to read “What Makes Love Last ?: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal”.
What should men or women who have confidence problems do?
“Let me know you on the edge of the cliff,” says the poet, whether this is the most important message we receive from our partner or partner, to address our concerns about safety. If we believe that our spouse / partner will be with us when we need him, and although we show him by his behavior, we still suspect him and accuse him of being unfaithful or dishonest, this is a problem of trust that we have had in the past or a problem full of negative feelings that we cannot repair. may be coming to us because we continue.
In other words, the situation we encounter may be closely related to the attachment style of both us and our partner and whether the bond between us is secure. In this case, it is very important to get support from both therapies related to relationships and therapists specializing in adult therapy and to be informed about our attachment style. On this subject Psychologist. Tarik Solmus has many books, each of which is more useful than the other, but if you want to know more, I suggest you start with “Women / Men Differences / Relationships”.
What should be done to ensure the relations are sustainable?
“Fights are the pepper of love salt ya or in our culture, in fact, this shows us that the conflicts are a part of our lives. Sometimes you hear from people around you “we didn’t even fight, but our relationship is over”. If you don’t argue at all, your common walls, which both sides care about and fight for, are diminished. Even the happiest couples argue, but the main thing that separates them from conflicting and unhappy couples is that after a fight, they soon try to repair and make an effort to correct the problem. You may experience the problem; Even if you can’t solve the problem with the methods you tried, seeing that both sides are looking for a solution reinforces your belief in the relationship.
What to do when there is occasional lack of interest in relationships?
Couples have a common dream to maintain the satisfaction of the relationship is worth gold. It can sometimes be raising children together, producing a project together, trying to get rich, or volunteering at a social welfare organization. Imagine; you went to a road where you want to walk together, hand in hand but after a while the road is finished, you count where you are. Who wants to spend his life counting in the same place?
The steps taken on a meaningful common road cannot be combined with the fights of water for reasons; you have used the conflicts to fill the void in your lives. What pain… Sometimes I ask the couples I’ve seen doing this, çoğunlukla What would be the first thing you would do together if we assumed that we saved you from all of these conflicts? Çoğunlukla they mostly freeze. They understand that trying to cope with conflicts has become the name of their existence. Without him, it’s not like I can be you or me, nor can we…
Why don’t relationships last long?
There are many reasons, but as a couple therapist and researcher, I would like to talk about the reasons I face most often. In our country, there is a large mass trying to live their relations by avoiding the conflict, we try to overcome the conflict created by all of our problems and cover the problems. Now we live in an age where we can talk about “interpersonal neurobiology”. Studies in this field show us that the processes that determine our reactions in close relationships are related to our emotional history stored in the amygdala, the part of our brain that we can call the “emotional brain”.
We don’t start a relationship zero miles; Our amygdala remembers and treats our past relationship wounds, injuries, traumas. He uses this information to scan the perimeter of our environment to see if we are in danger. Let us say “war, frost or run away ve and show the physical reaction that will enable us to survive. Some of us are frozen by the order of our amygdala and cannot take steps to repair it; some of us raise the fire of the fight and stay in the fire by burning fever. After a while, when this becomes unbearable, separation begins and we try new ways with new people. Remember that you take your amygdala to every new relationship you go to, with new and fresh wounds added to the ashes.
Looking at the recent divorce rates, there is also a problem in the sustainability of marriages. What would you suggest in the solution?
Is divorce the solution? What can be done to drive?
Divorce is not the solution, of course, we go to each new relationship by moving old and not good relationship patterns. We don’t have the luxury of being alone with anyone, because we feel like all other mammals have come to this world to bond, and when they bond, they feel full and complete.
The most important thing that we have to do is to gain awareness about our faulty relationship patterns that make us lose in every relationship, to feel safe, to be able to finish it just because we are not happy but to try to repair our relations either by getting expert support, or if we can’t fix it and give up pushing and looking for ways of saying goodbye.
We marry or maintain relationships to be happy and complete our existence, not to stay in a relationship that we see every day taking away from us and that makes you feel a little more halfway every day. In short, I recommend everyone to read the book edi The Seven Principles of Maintaining Marriage ’by John Gottman and Nan Silver, who came from the love lab at Seatle, where 40 years of relationship research has been conducted.
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