Intense emotions. In this article, we wanted to touch upon a subject that is both on the international agenda and in the context of current events that we follow within the country. The events we watch with amazement, sometimes with horror, in the media and evaluate with certain judgments based on what we quickly see, have always made us think: How can people reach / fall into this situation? Where might the story of this process begin? What factors prevent human beings from using the “compass of conscience” they are born with?
Of course, the scale of the events we follow in the media is much larger and their stories are much more complex… However, we can also ask these questions about the people we have encountered in our own lives or the shocking events we have experienced. Throughout our lives, we all encounter behavior that surprises, upsets or breaks us. We cannot change the intense emotions that these behaviors create in us and that arise quickly, but we can give ourselves time to calmly evaluate the event/issue before getting carried away by them and reacting uncontrollably.
Despite the intensity of emotions, it may seem a little difficult at first to activate mental processes without being influenced by them, but it is not impossible; After a process of conscious effort, it can turn into a skill as natural as a reflex. Let’s try to briefly explain the stages we will follow in the conscious effort process we mentioned.
Suppose, someone we are in a close relationship with (our parent, spouse, child, or friend) said hurtful things to us that we did not expect, or acted indifferently or thoughtlessly. In the face of such behavior, we may first experience surprise, then deep sadness for a short period of time that we are not even aware of, and then anger, which we are most aware of.
The most striking point here is that the anger we feel most intensely is actually a secondary emotion. In other words, there is an injury/loss that brings out the anger, and in fact, before the anger, we are seriously hurt. However, since our nervous system is primarily programmed to survive, we hold on to the emotion of anger that will keep us in a defensive position, and direct our behavior under its guidance, without wasting time on sadness.
In the meantime, we skip the stage of evaluating the event and the attitude of the other person without realizing it. However, if we can also use mental processes (thinking, observation, examination and interpretation) without disregarding the emotion we are experiencing, our external behavior / attitude will be very different.
Now let’s give an example of using mental processes by being aware of our emotions. Let’s say we are in anger, the last of the emotions mentioned above. We stopped for a moment and just thought, “What happens now???” Even asking ‘ will be perceived by our brain as if we were given a task and an answer describing the situation will come from our mind.
At that moment, he angrily said, “He’s talking nonsense!!!” or “I guess his ears can’t hear what comes out of his mouth!!!” We can describe it with sentences like: This is quite natural. However, this formulation needs to be rearranged. Because the question that will change the direction of the relationship in this short time is “Why did he do / say such a thing???” It will happen.
This question directs our attention to interpreting the other party’s behavior rather than our own anger. It is very important that the evaluations that come to our mind after this stage are based on real experiences in our relationship with that person, not on our anger. For example; “I think she’s still mad at me for going shopping with me last week when she couldn’t stay home and rest when she wanted to.” like…
When we feel intense emotions, especially anger, rising within us, we can prevent ourselves from being swept away by the current and being dragged somewhere we don’t want by following these steps. The purpose of this process is just that; It should never be understood as tolerating or accepting the hurtful words spoken towards us or the hurtful behavior we have been subjected to.
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