I want to be invisible. Living silently, without seeing anyone, without being seen by anyone…
I’m not depressed. I’m even good at it. Everything has a sweet and bitter consistency.
I feel more need to be silent and stop.
Sitting on the ground; I watch the mountain and the stone. The volume of 90’s songs that are constantly playing in my head is only turned down in these moments.
My tears accompany me from time to time. I realize that I like to cry a lot, but I can’t cry as much as I used to.
I accept my tiredness.
I am a mother who spends time with her child all day long. Therefore, such moments do not last very long.
We have breakfast and go for a walk with our dog, Pamuk, without feeling even the slightest concern about our appearance.
Towards the evening, we go into the village to meet the children. To my ear; In the city parks, a few swear words are played, which I am used to hearing frequently from children. I’m getting a little nervous. We talk about this with the children. During the conversation; I remember the swear words I used when I was very angry
Then we start playing football with the kids. A mother to her son; He tells him to bring home the goats grazing right next to the field where we play football. We all accompany him to take the goats home. In this scene where dozens of mistakes can be seen and expressed, I prefer to get carried away by the magic of that moment.
The game continues in the garden of this house, where children often gather. A luxury vehicle approaches the door of the house. A man and a child get out. The man says that they came to buy vegetables and on the other hand, he warns his child not to make his shoes muddy. The child watches the other children, who were on the roof of the house to catch pigeons, with a surprised expression on his face.
Children suddenly surround me. When it snows in winter; sliding down the slope with their trays; They tell me how much fun they had. Will you join us this winter? they ask. Of course, I say.
This picture contains almost all the signs of poverty; I enjoy the sincere laughter of children and the peace within me in its naturalness and simplicity.
In this garden where there are almost no toys, I witness how many and varied games children can play.
While I was drifting from place to place like a couch grass in the adult world, through the children’s world, which I joined with the birth of my son; I feel like I can reconnect deeply with all the beauties I have lost.
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