There are many unspoken things growing in my world. Covering up an issue does not destroy its existence. Even though it seems to have no effect on the outside life, it can have a shocking effect on the inside life, especially if I cannot empathize with myself, that is, if I cannot connect with my emotions and needs and reach my inner serenity.
covering up problems, unspoken problems, connecting emotions, disagreements, state of relationship, family values, family members, spending holidays, realizing feelings, peaceful solution, reaching the balance
– Let’s not talk!
– Why?
– No need, just drop the subject.
Do you think the problems disappear when you keep quiet and close the topics?
The opening sentence of my article is a situation that I often observe regarding disagreements in family relationships and close friend relationships.
I may have mentioned it before. Disagreement, disagreement and conflict are an inevitable part of life. The way I rank the words is according to the severity of the impact of the situation.
What I call disagreement is the effect that is lighter, disagreement is the effect that is a little more intense, and what I call conflict is the effect that is much stronger and more shocking.
Yes, these situations are inevitable. In other words, the part about not having any problems with anyone, that life should be rosy, that I should be able to get along with everyone, that I should be harmonious, that I should not conflict, exists only in fairy tales, and I remember from what I have read that there are difficulties, tensions, and disagreements in fairy tales, up to the “they have achieved their wishes” part.
I hope I was able to explain what I wanted to say. I would like to emphasize the importance of accepting that the biggest fact of life is disagreement, and that the “let there be no problems” perspective does not even exist in fairy tales.
That being the case, I think the essence of life is locked into what I do with disagreements and what I did during disagreements before.
Of course, there are other valuable parts of life, however; As social beings, we are people who relate, communicate and interact. One of the results of this state of relationship, influence and communication is that I have different thoughts with someone else. A world where everyone looked at every issue from the same perspective would mean mediocrity without diversity.
Where there is diversity, there may be different thoughts. Where there are different opinions, disagreement, disagreement and conflict can and will occur, and let me even say it with a general judgment; It is possible.
So, what do you do during these disagreements? You may be constantly talking, making statements, defending yourself in order to be right. You may be raising your voice to prove yourself right, speaking louder than the other person can hear.
You may be using your power over the other to prove yourself right. With an active action, you can defend or attack the other person. The battle mode of the primitive brain.
Or; You may be avoiding conflict.
You can remain silent by saying “I will not speak” to silence the other person.
You may be running away from the situation to silence the other person. This is a passive state of action. Escape mode of the primitive brain.
There is also the state of freezing; Situations where you want to respond to the other person’s speeches and defenses but cannot, and you do not know what to say and how to say it. Freeze mode of the primitive brain.
There may be other forms of behavior as well, I am not a psychologist or psychiatrist, I am someone who has been doing his own readings for years and has tried to share my internal and external observations and my own perspective with the readers through the Nonviolent Communication method/style/techniques. As the person reading these lines, could you please evaluate what I wrote by filtering it through your own internal filter and doing your own reading and research?
I wrote this information to bring you closer to the subject I want to talk about. You may not want to deal with the scientific parts of the job. With this; A word you often use during disagreements is “Let’s not talk, close the subject, there is no need.” If so, this article may have interested you.
I observe, both in my own experience and in the experiences of those I support as a lawyer, that closed issues do not go anywhere. I observe how issues that were not discussed or covered up even 5, 10, or 20 years ago can affect today. My intention in this article is not to draw attention to disputes that are very broad, powerful and have moved to the field of law. I want to support you in noticing the very small disagreements in your life and noticing how you act during these disagreements.
If you wonder what could be a minor disagreement, it may be very important for you to have all family members having breakfast at the same time in terms of your family values. Spending holidays with family members and performing family rituals on Sundays may be valuable for you. However, you may have had an experience where your spouse, perhaps your child, or perhaps your parents were not willing to respond to this routine.
While one of you says “we will all have breakfast together”, the other may not be hungry yet at the appointed breakfast time, or they may choose to eat other products instead of the breakfast items you put on the table. Here’s the disagreement; While one says “we will all sit together” and the other says “whenever I want”, the issue may be based on family routines and traditions, and the issue may suddenly intensify with “you are this, you are that”, that is, strong judgments.
Where the intensity of the conflict escalates, “let’s not talk now” to bring calm. It can be a choice to say. With this; If not now, WHEN SHOULD WE TALK? If this information is not available, if this issue is closed to the limit of tolerance next time the breakfast tradition or holiday tradition, the same tension will manifest itself at a completely different moment, this time with a more severe effect.
Instead of “Let’s not talk now”; “I can’t hear your needs right now in this tension. I cannot contact you with understanding and flexibility. I need, say, 2 hours for my tension to calm down. Let’s talk about this in 2 hours.” How can you say/say? And of course, talking about the issue after 2 hours from a calmer inner space, connecting with the needs of both people and doing so with a heart open to options to develop a solution to meet that need, can serve connection and a peaceful solution. However, every issue that is not talked about, covered up, avoided and suppressed, that is, not resolved in a peaceful manner – regardless of its influence – will continue to become problems that will return and increase in intensity.
Therefore; Realizing my choice of behavior at the time of disagreement, connecting with myself and realizing my feelings and needs for a peaceful solution, reaching the balance where I can talk to the other person where I reach my inner serenity, and finding a solution that will satisfy both of us by hearing his feelings and needs, enriching the life I live, It can help me beautify and develop meaningful experiences. I hope this article will help you look at the conflicts you experience from this perspective and develop a new behavior.
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