Tag: couples and romance
There are two main channels of romantic interest for adults. First, there are the people you meet at a bar, at a party, or through an online dating site. In these scenarios, the mutual attraction and interest is often instant: you immediately ask each other out, or hook up, or date, or whatever.
Then there are the times when you meet people and mutual attraction is not assured. Your new co-worker, a friend’s roommate, your roommate’s sister, the guy who works at the coffee shop next door. Do they like you? You have no idea. But what you’re left with is what in high school parlance is referred to as a crush. Because of whatever complications, you don’t feel like you can just ask this person out. But you’ve got it for them, and you’ve got it bad.
As adults, we’re beyond doodling in notepads and feverishly writing diary entries — but we can still get a little weird about our crushes.
I asked a group of female friends to brainstorm how, exactly, they behave towards someone on whom they have a secret crush. Nobody does all of these things at once, but chances are, if you’ve ever had a crush, a couple of these bullet points will sound pretty familiar. (You could call some of these behaviors “creepy.” I prefer the adjectives “diligent” and “enthusiastic.”)
“Life would be so much easier if you could just be like, ‘YO. I’m in love with you,’ with no consequence,” one contributor said via GChat. Preach.
So, here you go. A no-holds-barred list of the things we do when we’re secretly in love with you.
“I laugh really hard when you’re within ear shot, and make sure I look super engaged with who ever I’m talking to.”
“I send you a link to an article about something we talked about once, in passing.”
“I get really dressed up when I know I’m going to see you and then act surprised/dismissive when you say I look nice. (‘Really? Huh. I just came from work…’)”
“I listen to songs I think you’d like on Spotify and hope you see them on my Facebook feed.”
“I all of the sudden get buddy-buddy with your friends.”
“I tweet about things that aren’t directly about you, but that I know will interest you.”
“I never leave the bar before you do — I don’t care how early I have to work the next morning.”
“I live in fear that you will somehow learn how often I visit your Facebook page.”
“I text you something random or ‘funny’ my coworker did, just to start the conversation.”
“I go out of my way to not seem jealous of other women, going so far as to force you to say tell another girl how pretty she is.”
“I change my GChat status to something I want you to see.”
“I find out everything I can about you and then pretend to be surprised when you tell me something about yourself in person.”
“I stand in the same circle as you but avoid eye contact and only talk to the person standing next to you.”
“If we’re sitting at a table, booth, or bench, I will sit closer to you than to the person on my other side. I will make sure our arms accidentally graze each other.”
“I take advantage of every possible opportunity to “@” you on twitter.”
“I go out of my way to walk by you on the way to the bar.”
“I spend parties standing in your line of sight.”
“I dress inappropriately for events because you complimented that outfit another time. (‘Aren’t you cold?’ ‘… no.’)”
“I google anyone I found out you dated/hooked-up with/were interested in, just to see how I measure up.”
“I make up a ‘work question’ that we need to have coffee / lunch / drinks to discuss, because I’d really like your professional opinion on the matter. (Ideally, I’d also like to make out.)”
“I have Skype, gchat, and Facebook chat always up just in case you sign into one of the three messaging platforms.”
“I invite you to a party I’m throwing. And then quickly invite 100 other people so you won’t suspect I singled you out.”
”I will remember a random fact or opinion you expressed a year ago, even when you don’t.”
“I Google myself so I know what comes up in case you randomly decide to google me.”
“I bring up a movie/concert/activity that I think you would like, in the hopes that you will express interest and that I can then casually say, ‘Oh, do you want to come with?‘”
“I reply all to a group email that you’re in just so my name comes up in your inbox to refresh your memory that I exist. I will labor over this reply for at least an hour before hitting ‘send’.”
Getting her number is half the battle. Once you have it, use it wisely or you’ll never get past “hello.” Women don’t just judge guys based on looks; they’re also drawn to dudes who have a way with words. Treat each phone conversation as if it’s as important as a date, and you’ll impress a girl with your maturity and manners.
Call at an appropriate time, and have a reason for calling. Don’t call early in the morning, too late at night, or when you know she’s tied up at work or school. It’s OK if you’re just calling to chat, but let her know at the beginning of the conversation. Better yet, ask her to get together and turn your phone call into a date.
Speak clearly. Maintain a moderate volume, so she can hear what you’re saying without straining, or without having to pull the phone away from her ear. Use a pleasant tone so she can hear the smile in your voice. When you’re talking to girls on the phone, you need to convey your charm through your voice alone; she can’t see that you’re grinning from ear to ear, but a soft chuckle will give her a clue.
Eliminate distractions when you’re calling a girl. Turn off or lower the volume on the TV or stereo. Step outside if you’re in a noisy, crowded place. If you’re driving in your car, roll up the windows. If there’s too much background noise on your end, you won’t be able to hear her clearly and you’ll be shouting in her ear to compete.
Most anything you do while you’re on the phone is audible to the person on the other end of the line; don’t multitask, chew or flush the toilet. If you need to clear your throat, cough or sneeze, turn away from the phone and excuse yourself. Carrying on a conversation with someone else who’s in the room with you while you’re on the phone with her is a big no-no; it’s immature, rude and disrespectful.
Show interest. Listen when she’s speaking, and don’t interrupt. When she’s finished telling you something, draw her out even more by asking questions. Direct the conversation to topics you both know something about; don’t try to impress her with a monologue about football when you know she isn’t a fan.
End the call gracefully. If the conversation is going strong, by all means, keep talking. As soon as you notice the conversation winding down, or you feel an uncomfortable silence, wrap it up. Maintain an upbeat tone and let her know you’ve really enjoyed talking with her. Instead of making her wonder if you’re bored with the conversation, excuse yourself with a solid excuse — meeting up with a friend, taking the dog for a run — and solidify plans for your next call or an upcoming date.
No one ever said dating was easy. First dates are awkward, second dates are expectant and the dates that follow that — during which two people really start getting down to the business of getting to know each other — present hundreds, if not thousands, of opportunities for missteps, faux pas, blunders and mistakes. That is to say nothing of the myriad chances for problems to which you could fall prey while arranging, planning and preparing for dates.
We call too often or not enough, we’re too available or never around, we wear sandals to fancy restaurants, laugh hysterically at bad jokes, show up with blue carnations, gab on our cell phones during dinner and commit countless other dating crimes, mostly without realizing we’re doing it. No doubt about it — bad dating behavior is a rampant affliction, and it’s time to cure it with some common sense advice.
If dating is a game, then just like any other game, there are rules you need to study, learn and follow. After all, you wouldn’t take the field without knowing where the base lines are, would you? (For those of you who are immune to ball field metaphors, the answer is “no.”) While none of these do’s and don’ts are set in stone — and, as your mother told you, there are obviously exceptions to every rule — here we attempt to equip you with an idiot-proof playbook for the fast-paced, intense, exciting, full-contact sport of searching for someone with whom to fall in love.
Dating Rules – Do’s
Do try to always look your best and be punctual. Showing up late or looking messy gives the impression that you don’t care — and, if that’s the case, why go out with this person in the first place?
Do try to enjoy yourself on dates. Yes, finding your soul mate is serious business, and it can sometimes even be a scary endeavor, but keep in mind that this is supposed to be fun.
Do compliment your date on how he or she looks. Men and women tend to put a lot of effort into getting ready for a date, and it’s nice (and flattering) to hear that all that energy paid off.
Do be interested and interesting. Ask questions, share insights and pay attention when your date is telling you what they like to do, read, watch, listen to, etc.
Do tell someone directly if you’re not interested in seeing them again. Lying and stringing people along simply because you’re too scared to tell them the truth is selfish and hurtful. If you don’t want to go on another date with someone, let them down as gently — but firmly — as possible.
Do date only people you’re attracted to, no matter what your friends say. Approval by your peers doesn’t prove a thing.
Do stay positive, even when dates don’t end well. It is most certainly true that you will date a few frogs before you find a prince. Along the way, you will probably meet some pretty nice people.
Do plan ahead. Dating is a creative diversion that requires concentration and energy, so make arrangements ahead of time and let your date know you put some thought into the evening.
Do be proactive about finding people to date. The man or woman you’ve been searching for your whole life is probably not going to come ring your doorbell and beg you to go to dinner anytime soon. Dating requires action, so get out there and meet as many people as you can.
Do surround yourself with positive, like-minded people who are dating, too. Part of the fun of dating is celebrating, comparing notes and commiserating with your friends. Surround yourself with positive people who are rooting for you to succeed at love and will be there for you if/when you need emotional support.
Dating Rules – Don’ts
Don’t call, text message or email someone you’ve just started seeing more than once a day unless they reply (or in the event of an emergency). Desperation and instability are major turnoffs.
Don’t date the kind of people who’ve hurt you in the past. Many of us are attracted to people who are bad for us, but it’s important to break these patterns and seek out healthy relationships with matches who won’t demean you or make you feel bad about yourself in any way.
Don’t be late for a date. It’s just rude. If you have to change your plans, give the other person as much notice and consideration as possible. And always apologize.
Don’t lie to your date or about any aspect of your life, even if the truth isn’t as sexy or you’re worried they won’t like it. It would be awful to ruin a potentially life-changing relationship with your perfect match because of some silly lie you told early on to impress him or her.
Don’t be too available. We don’t mean you should play games, but if you’re free every night, you’re probably not taking care of yourself, pursuing your own interests and spending time with your friends — which means you’re probably not very interesting to talk to. People with full, exciting lives make the best dates.
Don’t give away too much about yourself at the beginning. Revealing your innermost secrets on the second date can lead to rejection. Don’t be scared to open up, but remember that getting to know someone takes time, and you should let your relationship evolve.
Don’t check out other people when you’re on a date. Ever. This is just tacky. You may think you are subtle, but while you’re scoping the cutie in the corner, your date will be heading for the door. Extend your partner the courtesy of concentrating solely on them while you’re with them.
Don’t be rude or get drunk on a date. Courtesy and manners will get you everywhere.
Don’t ignore your personal safety. Carry your cell phone and keep it charged — and make sure to tell your friends where you’re going and when you’ll be back. First dates should take place in well-lit public places. Don’t ever let yourself be coerced into going anywhere or doing anything that makes you uncomfortable.
Don’t give out personal information like your home phone number or address on the first date. Keep these details to yourself until you trust the person you’re dating.
Don’t have sex on a first date. If you like someone and are interested in getting to know them better (and possibly having a relationship), sex on a first date will likely ruin everything. It’s much too soon, it’s not romantic and it communicates to the other person that you’re more interested in their physical characteristics than in finding out who they are.
Never date a married person. Statistically, it is very unlikely that they will ever leave their husband or wife for you. Dating someone who’s married is the best way to serve yourself a heaping helping of misery, lies, deceit, sadness and heartache. If you are married, separate before dating. If you’re single, don’t be a shoulder to cry on — you deserve better. Go out and find someone who’s emotionally (and legally) available to you!