Dating advices for an open relationship

Dating advices for an open relationship

You better be comfortable following the important rules if you want to play.

1. She’s not going to jump into bed with you. I mean, she might, but it’s not a given. Open is the status of her relationship, not her legs.

2. She’s going to jump into bed with you. I know what I just wrote. But you should prepare your heart / vagina / penis / other body parts for the fact that she may be interested in a hookup — and only a hookup.

3. You have to follow her rules if you want to play. You have the option not to date her, but if you decide to go for it, be aware that there may be certain agreements she’s made with her primary partner, i.e. how often she can see you, or how intense things can be sexually. It’s pretty unlikely those will be adjustable. People in open relationships usually apply a lot of forethought to the architecture of those things.

4. She’s not a “cheater.” She didn’t decide to enter an open relationship because she is fundamentally immoral, a moustache-twirling cartoon villain, or anyone else who is generally careless with the feelings of others. There are reasons monogamy doesn’t work for her. Respect that.

5. If you have any questions about how this is going to work, just ask her. She’s very, um, open. She knows exactly what she needs and she’ll be more than happy to let you know.

6. She’s opinionated, and don’t mistake her for confused. She’s not in an open relationship because she can’t decide on one. She’s in an open relationship because she’s self-assured in her wants and needs, and knows how to execute them.

7. She likes sex. It might not be the sole reason she is conducting additional relationships outside of her primary one — but, yeah, she enjoys it. She enjoys it a lot.

8. You’re going to have to work well with others. Depending on the degree to which things heat up, you may have to make decisions about your relationship with her that factor in other people — namely her partner, or others you’re dating. If you’re the kind of person who would rather write an essay than do the group project, this might not be for you.

9. She’s emotionally mature. Don’t play games. She’s had to assess her perspective, wants, needs, and values, and negotiate those with the perspective, needs, wants, and values of at least one other person and likely even more. She’s not going to sweat the small stuff — unless it’s your brain.

10. You will never, ever be bored with her. Whether it’s for a few minutes, a few hours or a few decades, this will be an experience you won’t forget. So let go of your preconceptions and hold onto your hat, your heart, and the headboard.

Just a Fling or the Real Thing?

Just a Fling or the Real Thing?

How do you really know if it is lust or love. In a life time the average person falls in love at least 4 times. But is it really love? Here are the signs to be aware of before you decide if he is the right one.

Communication

Being honest with each other in a relationship is very important and it is also important that you get to know the person properly before you commit yourself. How well do you know him? Is the only talking you do bedroom talk?

Good signs

You talk openly about life issues such as finances, children, things that frighten you, where you want your life to go.
You can argue and come to some sort of compromise at the end of it.
You are open and honest with each other about your feelings.

Warning signs

You only know his favourite colour, what paper he reads. You are afraid to ask him in depth questions about his life for fear of rejection or what you might find out.
You don’t discuss how you are feeling and often end up resenting each other.
Neither of you is willing to forgive one another.

Love

A long lasting relationship or marriage can’t survive without love. So is it love or are you just kidding yourself?

Good signs

In a crisis you stand by each other no matter what the result.
You make sacrifices to make the other person happy.
You are truthful and honest and don’t keep secrets from one another.
You are emotionally, physically, and mentally compatible.
You are friends as well as lovers.

Warning signs

When the going gets tough, he gets going.
He has an eye for the ladies and has proved to be untrustworthy.
He lies to you about where he has been and only confesses when you find out the truth.
There is little physical affection, laughter, or communication between the two of you.
He has been unfaithful on numerous occasions.

Respect

A relationship is about friendship, respect, and acceptance of one another. When this is lacking, trust and respect is replaced by suspicion which can turn to hatred.

Good signs

You are aware of your partner’s faults and are able to accept some imperfections.
You support and encourage each other’s individual interests and identity.
You take the time to listen and understand the other person’s opinions.

Warning signs

You criticize each other in front of others.
He will not give you space to indulge in your interests and wants to spend every minute of the day with you.
You are constantly struggling to live up to his standards or the person you think he wants you to be.
You can’t forgive and/or forget each others mistakes.

Reading Between the Lines in a Relationship

Reading Between the Lines in a Relatinship

Reading through the personal ads can be a skill, an art in its own. You may find that skimming through the personal ads has become your latest habit, searching for the person that meets your profile needs and desires but without success.

Have you been looking for love but in the wrong profiles, or are you searching for more that is not written in the lines of a personal ad? If you read more into a personal ad than what is actually written in the profile and in the pages of the personal classifieds, you may find yourself conversing or dating a person that does not have the same personal dating ideas as you or the same objective in a relationship which puts you back at the beginning of the process again.

You already know that the listings in the personal section are from people just like you, people who want to meet someone special to fit into their life so starting with the personal ads is a great way to meet someone. However, maybe you are reading the profile of someone wanting to find just a friend, or maybe the profile you are reading is someone that is also hinting towards a search for love in a relationship. You need to be a distinctive reader.

The odds are in your favor when searching the personal ads for in finding a companion or lover. You already know that if the profiles you are reading are not seeking some type of friendship or relationship, they would not have created a profile for others to review. However, the steps in deciding who you will make contact with can be one of the most difficult in your search.

Your journey reading the personal classified section will require you to look within yourself to discover what type of relationship you are truly in search of. Are you searching for a friend, for a lover, or are you searching for a true lifetime commitment? Whatever category you place yourself in, choose the replies and profiles that meet your standards in your search for a relationship helping you narrow your search, which will make the personals much easier to sort through. If you would sit in front of your computer and continue reading all of the personal ads presented, you may find yourself overwhelmed with information and choices to be made. Narrowing your criteria and the idea of what type of relationship you are searching for creates the best results.

If you are searching for a friend or companion only through the personal ads, start with profiles that state this specifically. In discussing profiles of those who are not looking for a serious relationship, you may find the following phrases used: ‘want to have a good time’,’ not looking for a relationship’ and ‘not willing to give my heart away’, ‘just want to spend some time with you’ or ‘seeking another with a great listening ear’. There are various words used expressing friendship, companionship and those just looking to date. Use these expressions and words to help you sort through the personal ads narrowing your decision among the many people listed.

Profiles of people searching for friendship use words that stick out like: ‘looking for fun’, ‘friendship’, ‘no commitments’, ‘companion wanted’, ‘only looking for a good time’, ‘need help in building my confidence’, ‘I want to roller blade in the park all day’, finding words that express fun and friendship stating no commitments or relationship will help you sort through the profiles you are reading.

Are you in search of that someone special to be more than just friends are? Learn to read more into the written words. Find descriptions such as ‘looking for love’, ‘searching for that someone special’, ‘more than friends’, ‘quiet and cozy’, ‘easy going and lovable’, ‘special times’, ‘treasured moments’, and words similar to ‘lovable’.

So what about your profile, read over the words again. Does the profile really express your thoughts about a relationship, what type of relationship you are seeking and whom you are expecting to meet using the personal classifieds? Deciding what type of person you are searching for, what qualities you desire, and how far you want the relationship to mature are steps in realizing you are taking the right direction for meeting that someone special through the classifieds. Clarify your words, express your real thoughts and ideas about who you are seeking clearly which will aid those that are reading your profile connect easily with you.

Matching your personality and the relationship you are seeking with the personal profile or description of another person that is seeking similar relationships can be tough but using your feelings of what you want from a relationship as a basis when reading and sorting through the personals is a great beginning.

How to Cure a Broken Heart

How to Cure a Broken Heart

Has your lover broken your heart? Here are a number of ways to help cure it and bounce back. You don’t have to silently suffer.

  1. Just like learning to ride a bicycle, if you fall off, get back on and try again. Of course, your goal should not be to fall in love with the first person that is interested in you, but get back into the dating scene as soon as you can. You won’t be home crying yourself to sleep, and you will be having a good time instead.

  2. Join a support group with others who have had a similar break-up experience and see if you find them compatible to talk to. You might gain a lot of insight through them.

  3. Curl up and read a good book. Not necessarily a romance novel, but a book that will teach you something. Make it non-fiction.

  4. Accept the good memories you’ve had with your mate and don’t dwell on the bad times or the recent separation. Negative thoughts of the past will be unpleasant and only make you unhappy. Work on letting go of the past so that you can start looking forward to the future.

  5. Don’t keep your love letters or any trinkets or reminders that your ex gave you. Store them away instead of throwing them away, in case there may be reconciliation in the future. But try not to hold onto that hope.

  6. Playing beautiful music will soothe your soul and make you feel better, but don’t play the music you and your loved one enjoyed together, or that were your songs. Try a different type of music that you normally don’t like.

  7. Stay in touch with a trusted friend and confide in that person. If he or she is a true friend, they will listen to you and not make judgments, or talk about you behind your back.

  8. Write down your angst in a private journal and write in it every day. See how much better you feel with each passing day. Time will heal your broken heart if you let it.

  9. Forgiving that person and letting go of your anger will help you to cure your own broken heart. But don’t expect too much of yourself. Accept that forgiveness will take time.

  10. Don’t think just because you have been hurt once, you will be hurt again and especially, don’t make the next person suffer because you are suffering now. That doesn’t help anything and probably will only make you feel worse in the long run.

  11. If you have a spiritual belief, prayer for help with your broken heart will help in the healing process. It is common to feel betrayed in your time of need. But this is not the case and your faith will make you feel stronger and more able to handle what you are going through.

Following the above tips, will hopefully help you cure your broken heart. Know that in time, you won’t feel so devastated and you will be able to move on.

Wine and Falling in Love

Wine and Falling in Love

It is important to begin the article with the mantra of an obvious fact – that wine is an amazing way to meet new people and get a between the lines look at who someone is.

Knowing your wine means knowing geography, culture, history and the art that goes into making the most sophisticated beverage known to us. Now, I don’t mean to say that you need to be a so called “wine snob” – because that only says you’re a snob. I mean getting to know more about the bottle you’re sharing together to show a sense of passion and culture to your character. What’s more attractive in a person than that?

Bringing a bottle of Yellowtail to a party, or ordering something that ordinary at a restaurant with someone is comparable to discussing how cultured and well traveled you are, then emoting on a recent trip to Daytona wearing a shirt that needs ironing. This doesn’t mean you have to break the bank for a better wine, but just to put more thought and care into the bottle you open.

Wine and Falling in Love

For the novice in wine, a great way to start is to know what you like. What varietal do you like? Do you like Merlot? Then look at an independent wine agency, or simply head to your LCBO (especially one with a strong vintages section) and talk to someone there about different regions (BC and Oregon make amazing Merlots) and look for something in a comfortable zone price range that you’ve never heard of.

Being uncommon, doesn’t make a wine necessarily more expensive. Google it and learn more about it so you can discuss what you know. Learn some tasting notes, the layers of flavour, find out what cheese will go well with it, and show some care into what you’ve opened – that will go a long way to say a lot about you.

The advanced oenophile will already know what I’m talking about, but that doesn’t mean you can’t grow further, and use your knowledge to even host a wine tasting – is there a better way to meet someone?

Why Married People Flirt

Why Married People Flirt

Some people wonder why married people flirt. They make the false assumption that the taking of vows suddenly turns off any playfulness or sexual attraction with anyone but a spouse. The idea with marriage is that saying “I do” usually includes the unspoken understanding”… and I won’t with anyone else!” The idea of fidelity, of “cleaving to you only” is integral and common to most marriage vows.

That kind of action is well within the power of the husband and wife – you can always control your actions. What you can’t control is your desire – that is, you can’t say “…and I won’t ever want to with anyone else!” If a woman has always been turned on by firemen, for example, the idea that saying the words “I do” will suddenly turn off that biochemical response is ludicrous.

A Release Valve

Married people who realize this may also realize that there is a lot of pressure when you try to just “turn off” what might have been an ingrained habit established over years or decades. Not that everyone needs to flirt, or that everyone flirts, but if the reason you fell in love with a girl in the first place is because she was outgoing, teasing, and playfully engaging with you and others, why would you think that would be easy to just turn off?

It is certainly possible – and newlyweds especially usually only have eyes for each other, which makes it seem easy. But once that new-relationship energy wears off, and they settle back into their everyday life, the original habits return – and having to struggle to turn them off can become very frustrating. One of the reasons why married people flirt is simply to keep that fun in their lives – so that being married doesn’t mean losing a fun and harmless part of their joy in life.

A Matter of Degree

Of course, before married people flirt, it’s probably a good idea if they work out with each other what the definition of flirting is. Some very insecure and jealous people will try to enforce a rule like “Don’t even look at another woman!” which is both unrealistic and unfair in a culture that counts on sexy female forms in just about every kind of marketing.

But it’s a good idea to talk out with your partner what you think is flirting and what isn’t. Friendly conversation? Dancing a tango? Going to coffee? Sexual innuendo? What about online chats? All of these could be considered a form of flirting, and knowing what level it becomes uncomfortable for your partner lets you both make informed decisions – whether that be modifying your own behavior or your partner working on handling insecurity and jealousy.

The 2010 Oscar winner Mo’Nique made waves when she revealed that her marriage was “open” – it included the right for each of them to have other sexual partners. That’s an extreme level of “flirting”, certainly, but it illustrates the fact that “cheating” means breaking the rules – but the people who make the rules of a marriage are the ones who are in it, no one else.

Is It Really A Good Idea?

Of course, if married people flirt with others, it’s also usually a good idea that they flirt with each other, as well. One of the biggest dangers of marriage is reaching a point where it no longer feels exciting, where you feel like you’re in a rut. Some people go so far as to fear that they’ve fallen out of love with their spouse, and that’s when rules and marriages get broken.

Often what is really happening is a transition into a new kind of relationship, that goes deeper than the hunt-and-chase of the flirtatious dating scene and into the realm of security, trust, and commitment. But dating is fun, and by making sure you and your spouse are both still flirting, teasing, and dating – even after decades of marriage, like Mo’Nique – it will help give your relationship the best of both worlds.

Three Stages of Falling in Love

Three Stages of Falling in Love

There are three stages to falling in love and different hormones are involved at each stage. Events occurring in the brain when we are in love have similarities with mental illness.

When we are attracted to somebody, it could be because subconsciously we like their genes. Smell could be as important as looks when it comes to the fanciability factor. We like the look and smell of people who are most like our parents. Science can help determine whether a relationship will last.

Cupid’s chemicals

Flushed cheeks, a racing heart beat and clammy hands are some of the outward signs of being in love. But inside the body there are definite chemical signs that cupid has fired his arrow.

When it comes to love it seems we are at the mercy of our biochemistry. One of the best known researchers in this area is Helen Fisher of Rutgers University in New Jersey. She has proposed that we fall in love in three stages. Each involving a different set of chemicals.

Three Stages of Falling in Love

Three Stages of Falling in Love

Stage 1: Lust

Lust is driven by the sex hormones testosterone and oestrogen. Testosterone is not confined only to men. It has also been shown to play a major role in the sex drive of women. These hormones as Helen Fisher says “get you out looking for anything”.

Stage 2: Attraction

This is the truly love-struck phase. When people fall in love they can think of nothing else. They might even lose their appetite and need less sleep, preferring to spend hours at a time daydreaming about their new lover.

In the attraction stage, a group of neuro-transmitters called ‘monoamines’ play an important role:
— Dopamine – Also activated by cocaine and nicotine.
— Norepinephrine – Otherwise known as adrenalin. Starts us sweating and gets the heart racing.
— Serotonin – One of love’s most important chemicals and one that may actually send us temporarily insane.

Stage 3: Attachment

This is what takes over after the attraction stage, if a relationship is going to last. People couldn’t possibly stay in the attraction stage forever, otherwise they’d never get any work done!

Attachment is a longer lasting commitment and is the bond that keeps couples together when they go on to have children. Important in this stage are two hormones released by the nervous system, which are thought to play a role in social attachments:

— Oxytocin – This is released by the hypothalamus gland during child birth and also helps the breast express milk. It helps cement the strong bond between mother and child. It is also released by both sexes during orgasm and it is thought that it promotes bonding when adults are intimate. The theory goes that the more sex a couple has, the deeper their bond becomes.

— Vasopressin – Another important chemical in the long-term commitment stage. It is an important controller of the kidney and its role in long-term relationships was discovered when scientists looked at the prairie vole.

The frisky Prairie Vole

In prairie vole society, sex is the prelude to a long-term pair bonding of a male and female. Prairie voles indulge in far more sex than is strictly necessary for the purposes of reproduction.

It was thought that the two hormones, vasopressin and oxytocin, released after mating, could forge this bond. In an experiment, male prairie voles were given a drug that suppresses the effect of vasopressin. The bond with their partner deteriorated immediately as they lost their devotion and failed to protect their partner from new suitors.

Looking in their genes

When it comes to choosing a partner, are we at the mercy of our subconscious? Researchers studying the science of attraction draw on evolutionary theory to explain the way humans pick partners.

It is to our advantage to mate with somebody with the best possible genes. These will then be passed on to our children, ensuring that we have healthy kids, who will pass our own genes on for generations to come.

When we look at a potential mate, we are assessing whether we would like our children to have their genes. There are two ways of doing this that are currently being studied, (to find out more click on the links): pheromones and appearance.

The Science of Flirting

The Science of Flirting

There are certain things you can do that might help your date go with a bang – and turn into something more serious.

It can take between 90 seconds and 4 minutes to decide if we fancy someone. But this has little to do with your smooth-talking. As far as attraction goes, here’s how we get the message:

55% is through body language
38% is the tone and speed of our voice
Only 7% is through what we say

Stare into each others’ eyes

It is thought that asymmetrical features are a sign of underlying genetic problems. Numerous studies in humans have shown that men in particular go for women with symmetrical faces.

New York psychologist, Professor Arthur Arun, has been studying the dynamics of what happens when people fall in love. He has shown that the simple act of staring into each other’s eyes has a powerful impact.

He asked two complete strangers to reveal to each other intimate details about their lives. This carried on for an hour and a half. The two strangers were then made to stare into each others eyes without talking for four minutes. Afterwards many of his couples confessed to feeling deeply attracted to their opposite number and two of his subjects even married afterwards.

When we are aroused and interested in what we are looking at our pupils dilate. In medieval Italy, women put belladonna into their eyes to make them look bigger. In fact, bella donna means ‘beautiful lady’. However, this is not recommended, as belladonna is a kind of poison!

Match their moves

When people are attracted to each other, they tend to sit or stand in the same way and copy each other’s physical gestures. This is known as ‘mirroring’. When someone does this, it marks good communication and shows us that our interest is reciprocated. Mirroring also happens when talking to close friends as well as potential lovers, so be careful as you may misread signs of friendship as signs of love.

Don’t play hard to get

Research suggest that playing hard to get doesn’t usually work. However, there is a theory that we tend to fancy people who are hard to get for everyone else, but easy for us to get.

Scientists tested this ‘selective difficulty’ theory by using a computer dating experiment. One woman was keen to meet any of the dates that the computer selected for her. Another played hard to get and wasn’t enthusiastic towards any of her computer matches. A third was selective and only showed interest in one of the candidates. Out of all three women, the choosy woman was the most preferred by all the male participants.

Understanding lonely hearts ads

If you wrote a lonely hearts ad, what would it say about you? Does the opposite sex find you more attractive if you describe yourself as sexy or successful, or wealthy or reliable?

Another experiment showed that if people experience fear on a date they often misinterpret that feeling as love. So dates at a theme park are likely to be successful. A bungee jump might seal your relationship for life!

In fact, people who both like the same level of thrills and excitement are more likely to be compatible.

Identifying Signs of Infidelity

Identifying Signs of Infidelity

Signs of infidelity are numerous and while men and women typically handle deception in different ways, they share many of the same suspicious behavior or activities when engaged in unfaithful activities. So what should you look for if you are worried that your partner is being unfaithful?

The more obvious signs include:

— A pattern of frequent absences from home for a myriad of reasons: shopping, business trips, working late, trips to places where the partner is “out of reach”

— Unexplained bills, high phone bills or secret credit cards

— Secrecy – hiding phone calls, hiding computer usage, hiding money, deleting texts and phone call histories quickly

— Partner comes home in different clothing than they went out
Partner comes home smelling of another man or woman’s cologne or perfume

— Partner tells ridiculous or tall tales as a way to explain absences or overspending

— Your partner is diagnosed with a sexually transmitted disease

— Sex life – it’s not the frequency or quality you should watch out for, but the actions. Has your partner learned new moves lately? They may have come from sleeping with someone else, though that isn’t always the case. Don’t discount a sudden increase or decrease in sex, but interest may decrease long before an affair starts.

— Less emotional intimacy – If your partner used to talk a lot and suddenly the talking dies down, the talking could be still going on–with someone else.

— Sudden interest in exercising or tanning

— Not wearing a wedding ring

— Being at home less

— Spends more time on appearance than usual

— Immediately showers after getting home

— Someone tells you they saw your partner out with someone else

Covering up a choice

More often than not, when you are lying about something, you will say too much by way of covering up a choice. For example, the cheater may go on a vacation or business trip alone, but his / her meal expense at a restaurant is more than any one-person can eat.

So the person tells the story of knocking a server and spilling a tray of food, then continues to elaborate saying he / she spilled the food of a family of four, so the partner paid their food bill by way of apology. Yet the food bill is not enough to cover food for four plus his or her meal as well.

This is the danger of lying. If a story sounds suspicious or unusual or with far too many slapstick details, it is a warning sign that they are covering up behavior or interaction they don’t want you to know about.

Men just want to be accepted for who they are

Men just want to be accepted for who they are

I had a very interesting conversation with a male client of mine. We were discussing his challenges with his relationship. He told me that in his men’s circle (peer group), the common idea they have, is that they just want their spouse to accept them for who they are. They don’t want to be told what to do or how to do it; they just want to be accepted for who they are.

I asked him if he loves himself for who he really is? Perhaps his real challenge was his own self image. Did he truly accept himself, with his strengths and weaknesses?

Did his self-image include his yin/yang, his light and dark sides, his strengths and weaknesses? In his mind, was he instead supposed to be some kind of superhero without flaws, who therefore did not need any feedback on what he is doing? Was he holding a realistic image of himself or some super hero fantasy?

Working together, we saw that he did have the subconscious belief that as a man, he ‘should’ be super powerful and capable so that he could dominate the relationship. Consciously he did not want to dominate but subconsciously and culturally, he was supposed to be the dominant one. Therefore, whenever his spouse would ask for something that needed to be done or that he had overlooked… it meant that he was being criticized. It meant that he was not a dominant man, so he felt ‘attacked’ instead of seeing it as normal feedback between equals. Subconsciously, he felt that as a man, if he did not dominate, he would be weak and his spouse would leave him.

I think that as women it is easier to accept that we have both light and dark sides, strength and weaknesses. Why? Because it’s culturally accepted; we are not less of a woman if we have ‘weaknesses’. In contrast, in many cultures, you are less of a man if you have or show ‘weaknesses’.

I think that subconsciously as women, we are more comfortable accepting feedback or demands as it does not mean that we are less if we are shown what to do. One exception to this is when it comes to physical beauty or how to raise our children, as that targets what historically has made us ‘real women.’

For women, when we give feedback to our man and he does not follow it, we end up feeling that “he is a weakling or stupid” and that we will need to do “everything by ourselves.” This starts to create tension and challenges in relationships because her tone of voice changes. She sounds irritated when she asks something of her husband because “she knows” he will not do what needs to be done! That tone then kicks in his desire to stand his ground and avoid being dominated by her, which in his mind makes him less of a man. And…if he’s not a real man…she will leave him!

I think this is an amazing pattern that many of us get caught in and it creates romantic challenges.