There are two main channels of romantic interest for adults. First, there are the people you meet at a bar, at a party, or through an online dating site. In these scenarios, the mutual attraction and interest is often instant: you immediately ask each other out, or hook up, or date, or whatever.
Then there are the times when you meet people and mutual attraction is not assured. Your new co-worker, a friend’s roommate, your roommate’s sister, the guy who works at the coffee shop next door. Do they like you? You have no idea. But what you’re left with is what in high school parlance is referred to as a crush. Because of whatever complications, you don’t feel like you can just ask this person out. But you’ve got it for them, and you’ve got it bad.
As adults, we’re beyond doodling in notepads and feverishly writing diary entries — but we can still get a little weird about our crushes.
I asked a group of female friends to brainstorm how, exactly, they behave towards someone on whom they have a secret crush. Nobody does all of these things at once, but chances are, if you’ve ever had a crush, a couple of these bullet points will sound pretty familiar. (You could call some of these behaviors “creepy.” I prefer the adjectives “diligent” and “enthusiastic.”)
“Life would be so much easier if you could just be like, ‘YO. I’m in love with you,’ with no consequence,” one contributor said via GChat. Preach.
So, here you go. A no-holds-barred list of the things we do when we’re secretly in love with you.
“I laugh really hard when you’re within ear shot, and make sure I look super engaged with who ever I’m talking to.”
“I send you a link to an article about something we talked about once, in passing.”
“I get really dressed up when I know I’m going to see you and then act surprised/dismissive when you say I look nice. (‘Really? Huh. I just came from work…’)”
“I listen to songs I think you’d like on Spotify and hope you see them on my Facebook feed.”
“I all of the sudden get buddy-buddy with your friends.”
“I tweet about things that aren’t directly about you, but that I know will interest you.”
“I never leave the bar before you do — I don’t care how early I have to work the next morning.”
“I live in fear that you will somehow learn how often I visit your Facebook page.”
“I text you something random or ‘funny’ my coworker did, just to start the conversation.”
“I go out of my way to not seem jealous of other women, going so far as to force you to say tell another girl how pretty she is.”
“I change my GChat status to something I want you to see.”
“I find out everything I can about you and then pretend to be surprised when you tell me something about yourself in person.”
“I stand in the same circle as you but avoid eye contact and only talk to the person standing next to you.”
“If we’re sitting at a table, booth, or bench, I will sit closer to you than to the person on my other side. I will make sure our arms accidentally graze each other.”
“I take advantage of every possible opportunity to “@” you on twitter.”
“I go out of my way to walk by you on the way to the bar.”
“I spend parties standing in your line of sight.”
“I dress inappropriately for events because you complimented that outfit another time. (‘Aren’t you cold?’ ‘… no.’)”
“I google anyone I found out you dated/hooked-up with/were interested in, just to see how I measure up.”
“I make up a ‘work question’ that we need to have coffee / lunch / drinks to discuss, because I’d really like your professional opinion on the matter. (Ideally, I’d also like to make out.)”
“I have Skype, gchat, and Facebook chat always up just in case you sign into one of the three messaging platforms.”
“I invite you to a party I’m throwing. And then quickly invite 100 other people so you won’t suspect I singled you out.”
”I will remember a random fact or opinion you expressed a year ago, even when you don’t.”
“I Google myself so I know what comes up in case you randomly decide to google me.”
“I bring up a movie/concert/activity that I think you would like, in the hopes that you will express interest and that I can then casually say, ‘Oh, do you want to come with?‘”
“I reply all to a group email that you’re in just so my name comes up in your inbox to refresh your memory that I exist. I will labor over this reply for at least an hour before hitting ‘send’.”
You better be comfortable following the important rules if you want to play.
1. She’s not going to jump into bed with you. I mean, she might, but it’s not a given. Open is the status of her relationship, not her legs.
2. She’s going to jump into bed with you. I know what I just wrote. But you should prepare your heart / vagina / penis / other body parts for the fact that she may be interested in a hookup — and only a hookup.
3. You have to follow her rules if you want to play. You have the option not to date her, but if you decide to go for it, be aware that there may be certain agreements she’s made with her primary partner, i.e. how often she can see you, or how intense things can be sexually. It’s pretty unlikely those will be adjustable. People in open relationships usually apply a lot of forethought to the architecture of those things.
4. She’s not a “cheater.” She didn’t decide to enter an open relationship because she is fundamentally immoral, a moustache-twirling cartoon villain, or anyone else who is generally careless with the feelings of others. There are reasons monogamy doesn’t work for her. Respect that.
5. If you have any questions about how this is going to work, just ask her. She’s very, um, open. She knows exactly what she needs and she’ll be more than happy to let you know.
6. She’s opinionated, and don’t mistake her for confused. She’s not in an open relationship because she can’t decide on one. She’s in an open relationship because she’s self-assured in her wants and needs, and knows how to execute them.
7. She likes sex. It might not be the sole reason she is conducting additional relationships outside of her primary one — but, yeah, she enjoys it. She enjoys it a lot.
8. You’re going to have to work well with others. Depending on the degree to which things heat up, you may have to make decisions about your relationship with her that factor in other people — namely her partner, or others you’re dating. If you’re the kind of person who would rather write an essay than do the group project, this might not be for you.
9. She’s emotionally mature. Don’t play games. She’s had to assess her perspective, wants, needs, and values, and negotiate those with the perspective, needs, wants, and values of at least one other person and likely even more. She’s not going to sweat the small stuff — unless it’s your brain.
10. You will never, ever be bored with her. Whether it’s for a few minutes, a few hours or a few decades, this will be an experience you won’t forget. So let go of your preconceptions and hold onto your hat, your heart, and the headboard.
How do you really know if it is lust or love. In a life time the average person falls in love at least 4 times. But is it really love? Here are the signs to be aware of before you decide if he is the right one.
Being honest with each other in a relationship is very important and it is also important that you get to know the person properly before you commit yourself. How well do you know him? Is the only talking you do bedroom talk?
You talk openly about life issues such as finances, children, things that frighten you, where you want your life to go.
You can argue and come to some sort of compromise at the end of it.
You are open and honest with each other about your feelings.
You only know his favourite colour, what paper he reads. You are afraid to ask him in depth questions about his life for fear of rejection or what you might find out.
You don’t discuss how you are feeling and often end up resenting each other.
Neither of you is willing to forgive one another.
A long lasting relationship or marriage can’t survive without love. So is it love or are you just kidding yourself?
In a crisis you stand by each other no matter what the result.
You make sacrifices to make the other person happy.
You are truthful and honest and don’t keep secrets from one another.
You are emotionally, physically, and mentally compatible.
You are friends as well as lovers.
When the going gets tough, he gets going.
He has an eye for the ladies and has proved to be untrustworthy.
He lies to you about where he has been and only confesses when you find out the truth.
There is little physical affection, laughter, or communication between the two of you.
He has been unfaithful on numerous occasions.
A relationship is about friendship, respect, and acceptance of one another. When this is lacking, trust and respect is replaced by suspicion which can turn to hatred.
You are aware of your partner’s faults and are able to accept some imperfections.
You support and encourage each other’s individual interests and identity.
You take the time to listen and understand the other person’s opinions.
You criticize each other in front of others.
He will not give you space to indulge in your interests and wants to spend every minute of the day with you.
You are constantly struggling to live up to his standards or the person you think he wants you to be.
You can’t forgive and/or forget each others mistakes.
Reading through the personal ads can be a skill, an art in its own. You may find that skimming through the personal ads has become your latest habit, searching for the person that meets your profile needs and desires but without success.
Have you been looking for love but in the wrong profiles, or are you searching for more that is not written in the lines of a personal ad? If you read more into a personal ad than what is actually written in the profile and in the pages of the personal classifieds, you may find yourself conversing or dating a person that does not have the same personal dating ideas as you or the same objective in a relationship which puts you back at the beginning of the process again.
You already know that the listings in the personal section are from people just like you, people who want to meet someone special to fit into their life so starting with the personal ads is a great way to meet someone. However, maybe you are reading the profile of someone wanting to find just a friend, or maybe the profile you are reading is someone that is also hinting towards a search for love in a relationship. You need to be a distinctive reader.
The odds are in your favor when searching the personal ads for in finding a companion or lover. You already know that if the profiles you are reading are not seeking some type of friendship or relationship, they would not have created a profile for others to review. However, the steps in deciding who you will make contact with can be one of the most difficult in your search.
Your journey reading the personal classified section will require you to look within yourself to discover what type of relationship you are truly in search of. Are you searching for a friend, for a lover, or are you searching for a true lifetime commitment? Whatever category you place yourself in, choose the replies and profiles that meet your standards in your search for a relationship helping you narrow your search, which will make the personals much easier to sort through. If you would sit in front of your computer and continue reading all of the personal ads presented, you may find yourself overwhelmed with information and choices to be made. Narrowing your criteria and the idea of what type of relationship you are searching for creates the best results.
If you are searching for a friend or companion only through the personal ads, start with profiles that state this specifically. In discussing profiles of those who are not looking for a serious relationship, you may find the following phrases used: ‘want to have a good time’,’ not looking for a relationship’ and ‘not willing to give my heart away’, ‘just want to spend some time with you’ or ‘seeking another with a great listening ear’. There are various words used expressing friendship, companionship and those just looking to date. Use these expressions and words to help you sort through the personal ads narrowing your decision among the many people listed.
Profiles of people searching for friendship use words that stick out like: ‘looking for fun’, ‘friendship’, ‘no commitments’, ‘companion wanted’, ‘only looking for a good time’, ‘need help in building my confidence’, ‘I want to roller blade in the park all day’, finding words that express fun and friendship stating no commitments or relationship will help you sort through the profiles you are reading.
Are you in search of that someone special to be more than just friends are? Learn to read more into the written words. Find descriptions such as ‘looking for love’, ‘searching for that someone special’, ‘more than friends’, ‘quiet and cozy’, ‘easy going and lovable’, ‘special times’, ‘treasured moments’, and words similar to ‘lovable’.
So what about your profile, read over the words again. Does the profile really express your thoughts about a relationship, what type of relationship you are seeking and whom you are expecting to meet using the personal classifieds? Deciding what type of person you are searching for, what qualities you desire, and how far you want the relationship to mature are steps in realizing you are taking the right direction for meeting that someone special through the classifieds. Clarify your words, express your real thoughts and ideas about who you are seeking clearly which will aid those that are reading your profile connect easily with you.
Matching your personality and the relationship you are seeking with the personal profile or description of another person that is seeking similar relationships can be tough but using your feelings of what you want from a relationship as a basis when reading and sorting through the personals is a great beginning.
Has your lover broken your heart? Here are a number of ways to help cure it and bounce back. You don’t have to silently suffer.
- Just like learning to ride a bicycle, if you fall off, get back on and try again. Of course, your goal should not be to fall in love with the first person that is interested in you, but get back into the dating scene as soon as you can. You won’t be home crying yourself to sleep, and you will be having a good time instead.
Join a support group with others who have had a similar break-up experience and see if you find them compatible to talk to. You might gain a lot of insight through them.
Curl up and read a good book. Not necessarily a romance novel, but a book that will teach you something. Make it non-fiction.
Accept the good memories you’ve had with your mate and don’t dwell on the bad times or the recent separation. Negative thoughts of the past will be unpleasant and only make you unhappy. Work on letting go of the past so that you can start looking forward to the future.
Don’t keep your love letters or any trinkets or reminders that your ex gave you. Store them away instead of throwing them away, in case there may be reconciliation in the future. But try not to hold onto that hope.
Playing beautiful music will soothe your soul and make you feel better, but don’t play the music you and your loved one enjoyed together, or that were your songs. Try a different type of music that you normally don’t like.
Stay in touch with a trusted friend and confide in that person. If he or she is a true friend, they will listen to you and not make judgments, or talk about you behind your back.
Write down your angst in a private journal and write in it every day. See how much better you feel with each passing day. Time will heal your broken heart if you let it.
Forgiving that person and letting go of your anger will help you to cure your own broken heart. But don’t expect too much of yourself. Accept that forgiveness will take time.
Don’t think just because you have been hurt once, you will be hurt again and especially, don’t make the next person suffer because you are suffering now. That doesn’t help anything and probably will only make you feel worse in the long run.
If you have a spiritual belief, prayer for help with your broken heart will help in the healing process. It is common to feel betrayed in your time of need. But this is not the case and your faith will make you feel stronger and more able to handle what you are going through.
Following the above tips, will hopefully help you cure your broken heart. Know that in time, you won’t feel so devastated and you will be able to move on.
Besides intelligence, willpower is meant to be the single most important trait for success in life. In our latest SmartList, we explain simple ways to improve your self-control.
Hold in your pee
Strangely, it can stop you making impulsive decisions – psychologists call it ihnibitory spillover.
Intriguingly, the UK Prime Minister David Cameron claims to use this strategy before important meetings. The idea is that while the brain is exercising self-control on one task, its discipline spreads to any other task at hand. In one study, for instance, some participants were asked to drink a few glasses of flavoured water. Before having the chance to relieve themselves, they were given the opportunity to earn some money. The participants who needed the toilet were more likely to forgo a smaller, immediate award in order to receive a bigger pay-out later on – a classic test of willpower.
Sleep on it
Psychologists think of willpower as a “limited resource” – essentially, you can use it up over the course of a day. We can’t always choose when our self-control is going to be tested, of course – but when making a big decision (about whether to buy a car, or end your marriage, say) you may do better to sleep on it. Otherwise, you may face regret in the morning.
Get a sugar rush
Self-control uses up the brain’s energy reserves, meaning that you are more weak-willed when you are hungry. One study found that judges are more likely to make rash judgements before lunch for this very reason – and it could also explain why we lose our temper and get “hangry” around dinnertime. But a simple sweet drink can give you a boost and restore your reserves. It’s not a good strategy if you are trying to be healthy, though.
Although willpower can wear down over the day (and with hunger) there are ways to restore it. One option is comedy. A recent study found that people who watched funny videos were better at controlling their impulses later on. They were more likely to stomach a nasty-tasting drink, for instance, that was meant to be good for their health.
Self-control often involves suppressing some difficult emotions, as you keep your eye on the prize. Fortunately, mindful contemplation helps you to balance your feelings, so that you can continue to act in your own best interests.One simple technique is to focus your attention across different parts of the body, observing the unique sensations in each place.
Stop feeling guilty
The mind automatically associates guilt with pleasure – meaning that we find our vices even more enticing when we know we’re not meant to enjoy them. Conversely, a little guilt-free indulgence may just be the rest you need to help you maintain your resolve. So if you do find yourself breaking a resolution, don’t beat yourself up – just see it as a momentary lapse that will leave you renewed and ready to fight on.
It can take just minutes to break through a foul mood if you know the right tricks. Here are some scientifically tested methods to help you beat the blues.
In the drudgery of the everyday, it can be easy to become lost in boredom and self-pity. Yet some people seem remarkably resilient to life’s blows: exuding the cheeriness of Mary Poppins on even the gloomiest day.
How do they manage it? While some people may be blessed with a sunny temperament, there are some tried and tested ways that should help anyone to improve their mood. Often the techniques take just minutes to practise, yet can have lasting benefits for your general life satisfaction and well-being.
Diarists have long known that putting your feelings into words can help quell our emotions and put them in perspective, but it’s only recently that scientists have realised just how potent this simple action can be: spending 15 minutes a day on your journal can reduce symptoms of depression and anxiety, strengthen the immune system, and improve your performance at work. The benefits can persist for months. It’s far more effective than letting your frustrations bubble over in other ways; as BBC Future’s Claudia Hammond recently explained, venting your anger aggressively only aggravates a bad mood.
It sounds corny, but it works: people who made a conscious effort to practise five small acts of kindness, for just one day a week, reported greater life-satisfaction at the end of a six-week trial. It’s part of a growing body of research showing that more generous people are happier and healthier, as BBC Future recently explored.
Imagine your life without a close friend or partner. It hurts, doesn’t it? Yet a 2008 paper found that people who performed this kind of “mental subtraction” ended up feeling a mood boost later on. Perhaps it stopped them taking their loved ones for granted; heaps of research has shown that regularly giving thanks and feeling gratitude improves life satisfaction.
Psychologists have started to understand the importance of having a “purpose” in your life – people who see their life as having a meaning tend to be more mentally resilient to short-term knocks. Research suggests that simply looking through old pictures is one way to remind yourself of those things that make your life meaningful – be it your family or friends, charitable work or an important career achievement. Stirring up old memories connects you with your past and helps you to put recent events in a broader perspective, which can also take the sting out of fresh disappointments and anxieties.
If the daily grind is getting you down, it can be easy to get caught up in everyday worries. That’s why scientists are increasingly interested in the positive benefits of feeling awe. Whether it’s a view of the starry sky or attending church, feeling wonder at something much bigger than yourself broadens the mind. Scientists have found that it makes people happier, more altruistic, less impatient and less anxious. Even spending a few minutes writing about an awe-inspiring experience can help.
Things that once gave us pleasure can quickly lose their intensity over time, leading to the so-called “hedonic treadmill”. You can try to rediscover that initial joy by giving up a source of enjoyment – such as your favourite food or drink – for a week. After seven days, you will find that you have reset the “treadmill”, so you feel the full pleasure anew. In the meantime, the practice might have encouraged you to look for other entertainment, which could become a new source of pleasure in itself.
If abstaining for a week sounds a bit too much like hard work, you can at least try to practise mindfulness during your favourite activity. When taking a sip of coffee, for instance, concentrate on the complex symphony of flavours washing over your taste buds. This too has been shown to help you appreciate the small pleasures in life, easing stress and anxiety.
There’s an Italian proverb “La lingua batte dove il dente duole” – “the tongue hits where the tooth hurts” – that perfectly describes our mind’s tendency to dwell on the pains of our past. Unfortunately, psychologists have shown that feelings of guilt, in particular, often backfire. Not only is it a cause of anxiety and unhappiness, but the feelings of hopelessness can make us more likely to give in to temptation in the future. For this reason, deliberately spending a few minutes trying to cultivate good feelings towards yourself can boost your happiness and your willpower.
Why have scientists been slow to understand women’s sexuality, asks Rachel Nuwer.
What do women want? It’s a question that’s stymied the likes of Sigmund Freud to Mel Gibson. It has been at the centre of numerous books, articles and blog posts, and no doubt the cause of countless agonised ponderings by men and women alike. But despite decades spent trying to crack this riddle, researchers have yet to land on a unified definition of female desire, let alone come close to fully understanding how it works.
Still, we’ve come a long way from past notions on the subject, which ran the gamut of women being insatiable, sex-hungry nymphomaniacs to having no desire at all. Now, scientists are increasingly beginning to realise that female desire cannot be summarised in terms of a single experience: it varies both between women and within individuals, and it spans a highly diverse spectrum of manifestations. As Beverly Whipple, a professor at Rutgers University, says: “Every woman wants something different.”
We’re also coming to realise that male and female desire might not be as dissimilar as we’ve typically assumed. For decades, researchers bought into society’s belief that men have higher desire than women, since large studies consistently confirmed that finding. But more recent evidence reveals that differences between the sexes may actually be more nuanced or even non-existent, depending on how you define and attempt to measure desire. Some studies have even found that men in relationships are as likely as women to be the member of the couple with the lower level of sexual desire.
Past studies typically asked participants things like, “Over the last month, how much desire have you experienced?” When that question is posed, men do typically rate higher than women. But when the question is revised to ask about in-the-moment feelings – the amount of desire experienced in the midst of a sexual interaction – scientists find no difference between men and women. “This challenges our gender-related stereotypes about women being passive and not sexual,” says Lori Brotto, a professor of obstetrics and gynaecology at the University of British Columbia, and a private practice psychologist. “It also suggests that the factors that elicit desire in the moment might be equally as potent for men as for women.”
Others have found that women’s desire waxes and wanes with their menstrual cycle. “During women’s peak period of arousal, which occurs around ovulation, their sexual motivation is just as strong as men,” says Lisa Diamond, a professor of psychology and gender studies at the University of Utah. “Women don’t have lower sexuality than men. What they have are more variable patterns.”
This makes sense when thinking in terms of sex’s ultimate purpose: making babies. “Biology, which helps to drive reproduction, is an element of sex,” says Anita Clayton, chair of the Department of Psychiatry and Neurobehavioral Sciences at the University of Virginia. “It’s only in modern times that reproduction and sex are uncoupled.”
Previously, doctors had also assumed that the male sex hormone testosterone could be linked to female desire. In fact, it probably does not play a major role: several studies found no difference in testosterone levels in women who have high levels of desire and those diagnosed with a desire disorder. Despite this finding, women continue to request testosterone as a treatment for low desire, and doctors continue to prescribe it – often based on lab tests that erroneously use male levels of testosterone as a marker for what normal levels of that hormone should look like in a woman’s body.
Other research finds that testosterone and desire are linked only very indirectly, and that sexual activity has more of an effect on hormone levels than hormones do on whether someone actually desires sex. Sexual thoughts increase testosterone in women, as does sexual jealousy. “Thinking that sex just comes out of testosterone is such a falsehood,” says Sari van Anders, an associate professor of psychology and women’s studies at the University of Michigan, Ann Arbor, whose lab led the investigations. “Hormones have such small – if any – influence on desire.”
Even the variety of feelings during sex itself had gone unrecognised: women do not necessarily experience the same progression of excitement, plateau, orgasm and resolution that men do. Instead, the order is often shuffled. Sex itself can be the trigger for desire and arousal, or a first orgasm might lead to the desire for a second. “Often for women, genital, physical arousal precedes the psychological experience of desire,” Diamond says. “Whereas in men, desire precedes arousal.”
Desire, however, does not necessarily entail the wish to engage in sex with another person. Each woman (and, indeed, man) is different in terms of preferences, and those preferences may change at different times. Women may sometimes or always desire solitary masturbation, and some can even experience orgasm purely through thought, with no physical contact at all. Others may desire sexual activity with a partner, but without penetration or without ending in orgasm. “When people say they have a high desire for a partner, they might actually mean they want to be close to someone, or relieve their boredom, or experience something or someone new, or experience orgasm,” van Anders says. “My guess is that desire depends on the context, the person, the time of their life, relationship factors and who’s available.”
The range of turn-ons women report are extremely varied as well. Some prefer G-spot stimulation, or for their partner to suck on their toes. Others like to dominate, or simply to be held – the list goes on and on. “Usually clitoral stimulation is equated with males, but we’re documenting in the laboratory that women respond to a lot of other things, too,” says Whipple. “We need to educate women and give them permission to experience what they find pleasurable, and to let them know that they don’t have to fit into a single model of desire and sexual pleasure.”
That diversity is now reflected in porn – a relatively new development. Though women have always been involved in the industry, until the 1980s porn was largely geared toward a male audience. When home videos became available, however, porn – previously only shown in theatres – became more easily accessible to women as well as men. Picking up on this, female directors began creating porn marketed towards women, which often took a softer approach, with story lines lacking in violence, for instance.
The industry has continued to evolve, however, with porn made by and consumed by women including erotic Victorian vampire sequences, all-male gay porn, monster porn and more. “It’s much more diverse now, because people realised that women are also perverts,” says Laura Helen Marks, a postdoctoral fellow in the Department of English at Tulane University. “Women have really taken up the camera and are responding to the diversity of female desire.”
When you date for the very first time it might go embarrassing. This can be mainly due to lack of skill and people would not know how to behave. The errors you make might turn into really serious at times. You then find out for the guidelines of dating. You have to look at the policies of dating and need to follow as much as you could. Then you definitely would notice a transformation within your dating.
First as well as the foremost dating tips might be to get punctual. No human being is 100% perfect however you can try to be perfect as much as you could. You’ve to look your best and dress properly. If you are untidy you cannot entice anybody. Also if you’re late you then would not have the ability to develop a great impact within the minds of your date. Only if you are intelligent your partner will like to come out with you.
Finding the better half just isn’t extremely simple and you need to read through many dating tips identified online. Only if you realize the strategies of human minds you will be able to have fun. You should realize your partner’s preferences, what they go through and listen to and what they anticipate from you. If you don’t want to see her or him once again, do not conceal the very fact from them. Be bold to say the facts.
Right after having poor dates you would realize for your self what to do and what to avoid. You can list out your personal dating tips in cases like this and set your very own rules. Not each of the dating tips would suit all sorts of individuals. Additionally, it should match in to the nature. Should you be dating somebody just for fun, tell them this matter plainly. Not all of the dates would turn in to love. Don’t maintain connection with somebody having adverse ideas. If you want to find real love then you definitely should wait around for the situation till that blooms.