Rushing into a new relationship often is a recipe for failure, one expert warns.
It is no secret: Dating again after divorce can be intimidating. Who? Me down there yet? I have no idea what to do, much less how to meet someone.
A bit of reassurance: You’re not alone. Another: Finding the right approach for you to make the process much less frustrating – and yes, fun! Here’s expert advice, dating after divorce how to put you in the form of dating.
Mantra 1: “I’m not going to rush”
The person you think share your life with is suddenly out of the picture, and the world that you knew that to change. You need time to heal, and plunge into a relationship before having dealt with your emotions is an installation to fail. “All the emotion that makes you super-sensitive to what the other person does,” says Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., a psychotherapist in Long Beach, Calif., and author of The Unofficial Guide to dating again. “If the other person does or says something that reminds you of your ex, you react and it will affect self-esteem. You will find a way to push the person away.” It takes at least six months to really be ready to date yet, “said Dr. Tessina. Other signs to watch for: You’re not reliving the events of your wedding, you are not angry with your ex, and you understand your own role in what happened.
Deborah Slater, whose divorce from her husband of 12 years was finalized in April, as the recovery time is the key. “At first, everything was a reminder of the past,” said the mother of two children in New York. “Then I made a list of all the things I wanted to do that I could not because of marriage, distraction and children, and I checked that I have. As time passed, I did not cry as much, and I started to be happier. That’s when I knew I was ready to move forward.”
Mantra 2: “I will not repeat past mistakes”
It is easy to fall into the trap of ignoring the past – does come back painful memories. But to really move forward, you have to step back. “All human beings working in practice,” explains Tessina. “You do not want to enter another reason for bad. Deconstruct your previous relationship. This is not a mystery, and you can see your own part and part of another person. Make new mistakes, not old ones. ”
If you need to find a therapist who can help you begin to understand what went wrong and how not to return. Were you put up with the behavior of your ex that you should not have? Maybe you were too reactive, maybe you expected too much or not enough? Understanding the roles you played and your ex and take responsibility for your part to help you overcome the past – and to avoid repeating!
Mantra 3: “I’m having fun!”
Once you know what mistakes not to repeat, you must exit and zero on someone who is so different from your ex as possible, right? Wrong. Too early to get too picky, it is difficult for you to achieve your goal first meeting: at ease with the process. “Do not worry about whether each person you meet is The One,” said Michael S. Broder, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in Philadelphia and author of The Art of Living Single. “Just go on, and have fun. Relax and get your feet wet a little. “That means reducing your expectations of what you want in the person you meet and not things by reading the person. Just try to socialize and live in the moment instead of calculating whether a relationship will develop.
Carl Nelson, who has been divorced for seven years, thinks that this impartial attitude is essential to enjoy the games. “You must be open to meet all kinds of different people and do not rely solely on your initial view of a person,” says the native of St. Louis, who is a member of Pink Peppers, an online group for divorced women. “There could have good characteristics of a person you do not see if you dismiss him immediately. It’s all a learning process. ”
Mantra 4: “I will rely on my friends”
Chances are that when you’re married, you’ve lost touch with some, perhaps even most of your friends. Now is the right time to start new connections. Slater recommends looking for friends from your past that can give you a link to the person that you were before marriage. Discovering who you really are will help you build meaningful relationships next time.
“I called my college, high school, same friends from elementary school,” said Slater. “They were very supportive. I was so given up my own identity, and it took me a while to find me.” Surround yourself with friends who listen to you without trial or advice is key , says Slater. They will be there for you when you do not want to be alone and share their questions and problems, they can help you see beyond your own pain. They can reconnect with the things you need to self used to enjoy. (And while new friendships can take some time to build, they are a great source of energy in your life. See the next tip for how to make new friends.)
Mantra 5: “I will discover and pursue my passions”
You know how people meeting was much easier at school? That’s because you were thrown into a peer group, there was no pressure, and you have a chance to get to know people gradually. Try the same thing today, suggests Laurie Armstrong, a divorced mother in Texas. “Joining organizations, groups and associations that interest you is a good approach,” she said. “You learn something new, which is an immediate boost to your confidence, and you meet new people. They may be older or younger, but they introduce you to others “And if some of your friends are single, good – they can make the best companions to this point in your life when you want to be and about rather than going out with friends coupled-up.